Washington, D.C. - The now-infamous Wikipedia blackout ended this morning when Congress agreed to sell its soul in exchange for access to the world's premier source of useless information.
The blackout was originally conceived as a protest against the Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA) and the Protect Intellectual Property Act (PIPA). These bills attempted to curtail online copyright infringement by requiring websites to police contributed material and block suspect sites. Beginning at midnight Eastern time on Tuesday, January 17, the English Wikipedia homepage was replaced with a haunting black background, and the only articles available were those about SOPA and PIPA.
The dire consequences of this blackout quickly became apparent. "I couldn't function," says shell-shocked college student Lauren Kim. "It was like the world was ending. I couldn't write my term paper, I couldn't study for my history final, I couldn't look up the winner of American Idol in 2006, I couldn't prove to my roommate that the sky is actually pink on Mars... I couldn't do anything."
"It was absolutely the worst thing that's ever happened to me," testifies graphic designer Scott Winterfield, who is currently among the many being treated for post traumatic stress disorder associated with the blackout. "Thinking about it makes me feel like I'm back there again... Cut off from everything..." He shudders. "I - I can't talk about it anymore. If SOPA passes, and Wikipedia shuts down again, I don't even think life will be worth living."
The massive uproar surrounding the event some are calling Wikipocalypse quickly drew the attention of Congress. "We knew people weren't happy, but we didn't know they were this unhappy," says harassed representative Lamar Smith, the original author of SOPA, who has been branded by Wikipedia's supporters as evil incarnate. "I'm sorry, okay? Can you please stop adding devil horns to all my Facebook pictures now?"
The blackout was originally scheduled to last just twenty-four hours, but as midnight Wednesday passed and the black background remained stubbornly immovable, it quickly became apparent that it would not be lifted in the near future. Congress called an emergency session and vowed to do something about killing SOPA and PIPA, as soon as they could search Wikipedia for an article about how to kill SOPA and PIPA. This wasn't good enough for Wikipedia, which forced Congress to pass a balanced budget, formulate a bipartisan healthcare bill, fix the tax code and the education system, give up their firstborn children, and finally sell their own souls before they would agree to lift the blackout.
"At first, we wanted to protect free speech and liberty, blah blah blah, but then we figured, why stop?" says Jimmy Wales, co-founder of Wikipedia, with a devious smile. "If we could revoke one bill, why not two? Why not all of them? Why not rewrite the entire Constitution, while we're at it?"
"For now, we're good with Congress' souls and all these firstborn children, but they won't last forever," he continues with an even more devious smile. "I won't give away any specifics, but let's just say that 'Supreme Ruler of the Universe' could soon become an actual title. Oh, and we're going to need someone to rewrite the article on democracy. Who needs elections when you can bend an entire country to your will with a few lines of HTML?"
When asked their opinion of Wikipedia's future plans, Congress immediately passed a bill jumpstarting construction of a Wikitemple to the Wikigods and announced plans to begin regular human sacrifices to appease the wrath of those responsible for the Wikipocalypse.
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