Rick Perry Endorses Perry the Platypus for President

Austin, Texas - Texas governor and former Republican presidential candidate Rick Perry shocked and delighted the country this morning when he revoked his endorsement of Newt Gingrich and bestowed it instead on beloved Disney Channel star Perry the Platypus.

Perry, who plays a supposedly harmless pet that lives a double life as butt-kicking Agent P on Disney's wildly popular show Phineas and Ferb, has rocketed through the polls after several stunning debate performances and a spectacularly popular live tour. If elected, he promises to extend summer vacation to 105 days, outlaw the heinous practice of "busting," and focus all his resources on outwitting the dastardly Dr. Doofenshmirtz once and for all.

When asked the reason for his surprise endorsement of Perry, Perry replied, "Well, I had all these 'Perry for President' bumper stickers, T-shirts, fridge magnets, bobble heads, keychains, mugs, shorts, hats, blankets, jackets, and posters, and it seemed a shame to let them go to waste. Besides, I've always wanted to see a Perry in the White House, and if it can't be me, who's better than a semi-aquatic egg-laying mammal of action?"

Perry is polling especially well among 7-12 year olds, whom his campaign managers cite as making up an important, though often overlooked, demographic. Third grader Lauren Hinkley says she supports Perry because "he's funny! Haha! Can I have a lollipop?"

Elsewhere in the country, Perry has gained renown for his distinguished military career as Agent P and devotion to preserving the Tri-State Area. "This country will be completely secure with Perry at the helm," said Perry in his endorsement speech. "I mean, did you see the way he took out the Shrinkinator? He could totally destroy Iran."

Perry's flawless debate performances are also taking Americans by storm. Because he is incapable of speech, Perry relies on three printed placards to express his opinion - an American flag, a Nobama sign, and a really, really cute picture of a puppy. "For a minute there, I was worried that he didn't know how to deal with the housing market, but then he held up the puppy and I was just like, 'Awwww!' " remembers enamored audience member Vanessa Platts. "Ohmygosh, did you see its eyes? They were so cute! And its little paws... Wait, what was I talking about again?"

Perry has dedicated his vast campaign fund to Perry, who is also benefitting from the assistance of the Disney empire and the Fireside Girls PAC. His ads have become viral hits on Youtube, especially one depicting Perry, as Agent P, taking down Dr. Doofenshmirtz's diabolical Obaminator, which is threatening to destroy the Tri-State Area through its abominable socialist acts. The ad ends with Perry's now-famous slogan: "Perry the Platypus: Taking Back the Tri-State Area, and Now America."

"Sure, I guess Perry would be a good president," says Perry's owner, Phineas Flynn. "And if not, well, I mean, it's understandable. He's a platypus. They don't do much."

Congress Sells its Soul to Wikipedia in Exchange for an End to Blackout

Washington, D.C. - The now-infamous Wikipedia blackout ended this morning when Congress agreed to sell its soul in exchange for access to the world's premier source of useless information.

The blackout was originally conceived as a protest against the Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA) and the Protect Intellectual Property Act (PIPA). These bills attempted to curtail online copyright infringement by requiring websites to police contributed material and block suspect sites. Beginning at midnight Eastern time on Tuesday, January 17, the English Wikipedia homepage was replaced with a haunting black background, and the only articles available were those about SOPA and PIPA.

The dire consequences of this blackout quickly became apparent. "I couldn't function," says shell-shocked college student Lauren Kim. "It was like the world was ending. I couldn't write my term paper, I couldn't study for my history final, I couldn't look up the winner of American Idol in 2006, I couldn't prove to my roommate that the sky is actually pink on Mars... I couldn't do anything."

"It was absolutely the worst thing that's ever happened to me," testifies graphic designer Scott Winterfield, who is currently among the many being treated for post traumatic stress disorder associated with the blackout. "Thinking about it makes me feel like I'm back there again... Cut off from everything..." He shudders. "I - I can't talk about it anymore. If SOPA passes, and Wikipedia shuts down again, I don't even think life will be worth living."

The massive uproar surrounding the event some are calling Wikipocalypse quickly drew the attention of Congress. "We knew people weren't happy, but we didn't know they were this unhappy," says harassed representative Lamar Smith, the original author of SOPA, who has been branded by Wikipedia's supporters as evil incarnate. "I'm sorry, okay? Can you please stop adding devil horns to all my Facebook pictures now?"

The blackout was originally scheduled to last just twenty-four hours, but as midnight Wednesday passed and the black background remained stubbornly immovable, it quickly became apparent that it would not be lifted in the near future. Congress called an emergency session and vowed to do something about killing SOPA and PIPA, as soon as they could search Wikipedia for an article about how to kill SOPA and PIPA. This wasn't good enough for Wikipedia, which forced Congress to pass a balanced budget, formulate a bipartisan healthcare bill, fix the tax code and the education system, give up their firstborn children, and finally sell their own souls before they would agree to lift the blackout.

"At first, we wanted to protect free speech and liberty, blah blah blah, but then we figured, why stop?" says Jimmy Wales, co-founder of Wikipedia, with a devious smile. "If we could revoke one bill, why not two? Why not all of them? Why not rewrite the entire Constitution, while we're at it?"

"For now, we're good with Congress' souls and all these firstborn children, but they won't last forever," he continues with an even more devious smile. "I won't give away any specifics, but let's just say that 'Supreme Ruler of the Universe' could soon become an actual title. Oh, and we're going to need someone to rewrite the article on democracy. Who needs elections when you can bend an entire country to your will with a few lines of HTML?"

When asked their opinion of Wikipedia's future plans, Congress immediately passed a bill jumpstarting construction of a Wikitemple to the Wikigods and announced plans to begin regular human sacrifices to appease the wrath of those responsible for the Wikipocalypse.

11 Things About 2011 That Didn't Completely Suck

2011 was a year of spectacular failures - the BP blowout, Charlie Sheen, various Republican presidential candidates, and practically of all Europe went out with a bang. But, despite everything we complained about this year, some parts of 2011 weren't entirely terrible. Here, we take a look back at 11 things about 2011 that actually had a few redeeming qualities.

1. Cake Balls - Alright, alright, these were probably actually invented in Mesopotamia thousands  of years ago, but they really came into their own in 2011. And thank goodness they did - who can say no to balls of cake, rolled in icing, on a stick? Pure deliciousness.

2. The Absent Apocalypse - The world, obviously, did not end on May 21 or October 21, leaving us all free to eat, drink, and be merry for a whole year more before December 21, 2012 (what is it with all these 21's, anyway? It's as if the apocalypse was actually just a game of blackjack gone wrong).

3. The Last Harry Potter Movie - Okay, it wasn't perfect (Voldemort's ridiculously anticlimactic death? Really?), but ohmygosh Neville! And Professor McGonagall! And Snape! And Mrs. Weasley dueling Bellatrix! And the most awkward movie hug of all time! The epic conclusion to the Harry Potter saga was just that - epic.

4. Blackbeard's Sword - Just in time for the new Pirates of the Carribean movie. Wonder if Johnny Depp was invited along to see the grand reveal?

5. The Seventh Billion Baby - Let's forget about overcrowding and limited resources for a minute and focus on the fact that this planet now holds seven billion people. Isn't that kind of incredible? Plus, as we all know, seven is the most powerfully magic number, so seven billion must be a billion times more magical than seven. You know what that means - someone is going to be getting a letter from Hogwarts...

6. The Chilean Miners - Thirty-three men rescued from the bowels of the earth after being trapped underground for 69 days. What's not wonderful about this?

7. The Arab Spring - Freedom! Liberty! Free speech! Peaceful (or not-so-peaceful) protest! The Arab Spring gave us confidence in young people, oppressed nations, and, strangely, Twitter. The bravery of these protestors points to a brighter future for all of us.

8. Community - The episode that comes to mind is the one with six alternate timelines, although the glee club brainwashings and the paintball battle were also hilarious. Because this list is about happy things, I am determined not to mention the great injustice that culminated in this wonderful show being removed from the air next year. Sigh...
9. This

10. Man Beats Computer at Jeopardy - Watson was finally dethroned by Rush Holt Jr., alleviating fears that robots will soon become self-aware and rise up to destroy humanity. They may be able to process information much faster than us, perform incredibly precise surgery, and cook dinner, but as long as we can still beat them at game shows, they can't get the better of us.

11. Sherlock Holmes - Because I'm going to be Irene when I grow up.

Thanks-a-Lot Letters Replace Traditional Thank-You Letters

Trenton, New Jersey - Sometimes, old traditions are in need of an update. Anyway, that's what twenty-two year old Trevor Hastings thought when he decided to revamp the much-maligned thank-you note. Hastings has replaced the template used for decades with his own, more modern translation, brimming with twenty-first century irony and sarcasm. See template below (we have filled in the blanks with an example from Hastings):

Dear (Aunt Sally):

Thanks a lot for the (sweater). I definitely enjoyed the fact that it was (itchy), (ugly), and (made of the fur of dead cats). I'm sure it will come in handy (during the apocalypse, when the zombies will be too stunned by its ugliness to attack). It was really great of you to think of me. No, really.

Again, thanks a lot,
(Trevor Hastings)

"I think the time of the traditional thank-you note is past," says Hastings of his modern-day note. "It's time to move on into the future. People don't want all that fluff and nonsense about how puce green is your favorite color and you're going to use that eighteenth set of china for the rest of your life. They want the truth. And with my thanks-a-lot note, you can give it to them, in true twenty-first century style."

Famed columnist Miss Manners is less enthusiastic. "It is, quite frankly, rude," she says of the thanks-a-lot note. "I won't abide by all this nonsense the young people are putting out nowadays. Whatever happened to old-fashioned gratitude?"

Teenager Grace Barnett, however, displayed more appreciation. "Finally, I can stop telling people that these socks were the dearest desire of my heart," she says, holding up a pair of hot pink socks with lace edging. "They're hideous. And now,  I have a way to tell my grandmother not to get them for me again next year."

Hastings is pleased by the recent sharp spike in interest in his product. "Of course people like it," he says confidently. "It's honest, it's frank, it's real. People like to know what others really think of their gifts."

Now that he has updated the thank-you note, Hastings is planning to move on to the get-well-soon letter, the birthday card, and the graduation invitation. "And after that - who knows?" he says. "But don't be surprised if one day you realize that your traditional eight pieces of silverware have been replaced by a single solitary spork. Now that's progress."

New Planet Just Wants Us to Go Away, Already

Houston, Texas - NASA's recent discovery of an earth-like planet has met with criticism from the planet's inhabitants, who have reportedly sent out messages begging earth to "Leave [them] the heck alone" and "just go away, already."

These aliens, called Keplerians after the planet they were found on, Kepler 22b, cite our destruction of our own environment as the reason for their reticence to meet us. "You ruined your ozone layer, chopped down millions of trees, polluted the oceans, and murdered hundreds of species - is it any wonder we don't want you here?" says the Keplerian leader, known only as Hal. "How many times do we have to say it? Go. Away."

Hal has recently organized protests against NASA's rovers, picketing satellites with messages such as "Keep Kepler, Keplerian" and "Kepler is Full. Go Home." He has announced plans to build a fence around the planet to keep out Earth immigrants and proclaims that absolutely, under no circumstances, will any Earthling be allowed to participate in the free Keplerian educational system.

NASA scientists refer to these developments as "interesting" and have announced plans for further research. "Their reactions are scientifically fascinating, if a bit cryptic," says Nathan Fromman, a leading expert in interplanetary relations. "We aren't entirely sure yet what they're trying to tell us, but we hope that we can collect enough data during our thirty year Keplerian research program to point us in the right direction."

Congress, In the Absence of Its Mother, Continues to Reclassify Foods as Vegetables

Washington, D.C. - In a follow-up to its recent classification of pizza sauce as a vegetable, Congress has declared potato chips and onion rings to be vegetables; fruit roll-ups, Skittles, Starburst, Fanta, strawberry ice cream, and anything with sprinkles to be fruits; and Reese's pieces, Cracker Jacks, and Twinkies to be proteins. It has also reclassified broccoli, beets, brussel sprouts, pomegranates, bananas, and tomatoes as junk food.

"We're hoping this will inspire children to eat healthier," said a congressman from Louisiana, who declined to be named. "We want to live in a world where all kids eat is fruits and veggies, and we think this is an important step towards making that dream a reality."

When asked how, exactly, a Twinkie qualifies as a protein, the congressman explains, "We figured that it must take a lot of strength to survive for as long as a Twinkie. Strength comes from muscles, and muscles are built up by protein, so obviously, Twinkies must have a high protein content."

Children everywhere rejoiced at the news, but their parents, strangely, seem reluctant to modify their meal plans. "I'm not sure what I think about the new food pyramid," says mother of three Jane Wilkinson, gesturing to a picture of the new pyramid, which advises kids to eat eight servings a day of fruits and vegetables such as pizza and Ding Dongs and as few as possible of junk food such as cauliflower and spinach. "I mean, my kids love it, but... I'm not entirely sold."

Nutritionist John Witherspoon is more blunt about his feelings. "It's horrific," he says. "Sure, it's a great idea - if you want to live in a world where our kids weigh over 300 lbs. I'm quitting tomorrow. I can't deal with a world where Twinkies are passed off as legitimate food. Have you ever seen a Twinkie? They're not natural."

Some speculate that the continued absence of Congress' mother is to blame for these changes. This mysterious absence was first noticed during the health care debates and has since caused alarm during the debt ceiling crisis and the budget negotiations. Congress, rejoicing in its new freedom, has also passed laws pushing bedtime back from 8 to 9 p.m., replacing C-Span with Sesame Street, and mandating that free popsicles be served at all neighborhood parks.

Proposed Bill Forbids Educated Young College Students from Voting

Concord, New Hampshire - A new bill proposed by lawmakers in states such as New Hampshire, Ohio, and North Carolina would require voters or their parents to have previously established residency in the town they plan to vote in, effectively preventing college students living away from home from exercising their constitutional rights.

New Hampshire House Speaker William O'Brien cites the "foolish[ness]" of college students as the reason he supports this bill. He also derides their tendency towards "voting as liberal[s]. That's what kids do. They don't have life experience, and they just vote their feelings."

Concord resident Jim Oakley wholeheartedly agrees with O'Brien. "These darn kids don't know what they're doing," he says, shaking his head sadly. "They're just not smart enough to understand what goes on in the world. I don't want the same kids who spend day and night twittering about what they had for breakfast deciding who's going to be the next president."

"Back in my day, we couldn't vote until we were twenty-one," continues Oakley. "Then that blasted Johnson man decided to open it up to high schoolers. Worst decision he ever made. I mean, they're just plain ignorant."

Oakley is referring to the twenty-sixth amendment, which was ratified in 1971, during Richard Nixon's presidency.

Dartmouth political science major Claire Matthews recently held a rally to protest the controversial bill. "I understand O'Brien's concern that college students, as temporary residents, will not have the same level of concern about New Hampshire that permanent residents do, but I don't see that as reason enough to deny us our right to vote," she says seriously. "I'm from Massachusetts, but I've lived in New Hampshire for nearly three years, and after I graduate, I'm hoping to get a job clerking for a congressman in Concord and eventually run for the state legislature myself. I care about New Hampshire as much as anyone."

"At the end of the day, we're voting to change our future, too, not just O'Brien's," says Matthews, who has a 4.0 G.P.A. and is currently ranked second in her class. "We should have a chance to make our voices heard. I don't understand how someone who professes to defend the Constitution can justify taking away our constitutional rights."

When asked if she routinely votes as a liberal, Matthews reacts with surprise. "I don't routinely vote anything," she says. "I consider both sides of an issue before I decide. For instance, someone asked me where I stood on the idea of free trade with China, and I realized I didn't know much about it, so this semester, I'm taking a class on diplomacy in foreign trade agreements. It's fascinating. I never realized how nuanced these treaties are."

"Besides," she continues, "if we do vote liberal, it shouldn't matter. You can't shut out an entire block of voters because they don't agree with you. The point of democracy is giving everyone a say - young and old, liberal and conservative. That's the principle our country was founded on."

In New Hampshire, the bill has been defeated for now, but it is expected to be reconsidered in January, leaving plenty of time before the November election to change the voting laws.

(Note: This article refers to a real bill being seriously considered in  several states, including New Hampshire. Claire Matthews and Jim Oakley are fictional creations, but William O'Brien is a real person, and the quotes from him are legitimate. The bill was defeated 13-5 in March, but lawmakers say voter residency remains a concern, and measures similar to those in the bill will be reconsidered in January.)

New Republican Frontrunner Praised for No Experience, No Concrete Plans

Phoenix, Arizona - This week, a new Republican candidate has catapulted to the top of the polls, garnering a 57% approval rating from Republicans who still stubbornly refuse to admit the existence of Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney.

The candidate, Joe Plumber, first came to the public's attention in 2008 for "not really doing anything special" and "just kind of being around." Voters are enchanted with his outsider vibe, which resonates strongly with those currently dissatisfied with the establishment. Iowan Travis Johnston says he supports Plumber because "he's basically exactly like me. I mean, all he does is sit around and take up space. I like that in a president." Johnston, 37, is currently unemployed and living with his parents.

Plumber's recent admission that his political experience consists mostly of "watching C-Span when [he] can't fall asleep" was met with raucous applause by a crowd of the politically jaded. "Nowadays, 'political experience' means practice arguing in circles and taking bribes," complains New Hampshire resident Jane Lovegood. "If the alternative is someone who couldn't even win student council elections in fourth grade, well, so be it."

"Plus," she adds, "he's not Romney."

Plumber's campaign staff hopes that his non-Romneyism will allow him to maintain his current lead through the next few weeks. "He's gone nearly five days without a major gaffe - I think that's a record," says one staffer, who declined to be named. "If he can get through the next debate without a major screw-up, he might even win this thing. It's Christmas - people are distracted. I doubt anyone cares right now if he can't remember whether we've been fighting in Iraq or Iran."

In a recent interview, when asked how he would create jobs, Plumber launched into a ten-minute rant against Obama, Obamacare, and Obamulus (a newly coined term for the 2008 stimulus) that provided few, if any, supporting facts, hackneyed inflammatory rhetoric, and no discussion of Plumber's alternative plan. "The audience ate it up," says his anonymous staffer. "His approval rating jumped like five percentage points. As long as he can keep answering questions about Afghanistan with that story about making Christmas cards for soldiers with his daughters, he'll be golden."

Mitt Romney was not available for comment, but he has recently changed his campaign slogan to, "Mitt Romney: Am I Really That Bad?"

Black Friday Sales Now Begin Wednesday

New York, New York - In a bold move by cash-strapped business owners, a few retail stores have announced plans to begin Black Friday sales on Wednesday next year.

Traditionally, Black Friday sales begin the morning after Thanksgiving, allowing harried family members to rest and relax all day Thursday before the madness of the Christmas season begins. However, retail owners say that this day of rest is "overrated." Small business owner Michelle Walowitz says, "Thanksgiving is basically just a bump in the road on the way to Christmas. Next year, we're hoping to steamroll over that bump and allow people the pleasure of experiencing Christmas shopping as early as they can."

Retailers hope that these extra two days of sales will help make up revenue lost during the recession.

"Once we got past people's initial reticence at shopping before 6 A.M. on Friday, we saw no reason to stop pushing back opening time," says Walmart general manager Lee Kirchow, who opened his doors at 10 P.M. on Thursday night this year. "Who knows - maybe next year, we'll open on Halloween. That would be the best Christmas present of all."

Crazy Radical Democrat Threatens the Sanctity of Our Country

            Sound the alarms my friends. Our country and our future as a race of beings is in grave peril. We must stop this madness at once or our greatest fear will come true, and we will be forever doomed. Communism will rise once again, and this time, even closer to home. What is this peril I speak of? Well my fellow citizens, it is a solitary man. Do not be fooled, he is not merely a man; he has the capability to turn our whole world into a nightmare.

            Why? Because his radical leftist views are quite frankly, the worst the world has ever seen, including those of Lenin and Mao. He has this crazy idea that rich people should share with the “less fortunate,” if we can even call them that. I mean come on, they don’t have to pay taxes, they get free food from soup kitchens, what else do they want from us? He also seems to be under the impression that some of these “less fortunates” got in that situation, not by their own fault, which we all know is true, but because of circumstances beyond their control. Pssh, such foolishness.

            And there’s more. Yes, unfortunately there seems to be no end to the blasphemy that spews from this man’s mouth. He also advocates for complete separation of church and state. Isn’t it enough that we had to put it in our constitution in order to placate those who believe that such nonsense is morally right? This country was founded by Christians and is run by Christians. Therefore, it is unnecessary to separate religion from our political actions. I mean what are a few diverse groups and peoples who may not have the same views as us?

            In essence, this man is the very reason the world is in such turmoil. His morals and values seek to threaten those of us who were smart enough and resourceful enough to become mega-millionaires or powerful politicians. He simply must be stopped before he corrupts our entire country, especially our children, whose education he wants to improve, even if it means reallocating funds from defense to education. Ridiculous, I know.