Alaskans Not Even Sure Why They Bother

As CNN announced Obama the winner of the presidential race a full twenty minutes before polls even closed in Alaska, Alaskans wondered once again why they still continue to show up at the polls.

 “We start late, we end late, everyone knows we’re Republican anyway, and all we get for our trouble is three lousy electoral votes,” says disillusioned forty-three-year-old Michael Steiklen. “I walked four miles in the snow to get to the closest poll place, and as soon as I come within a mile of civilization, the first thing I see is a giant Obama party in the front yard. Obviously, my vote matters a lot in the future of the country.”

Sarah Palin’s remarkable debut onto the national stage in the 2008 election briefly put Alaska on the map, but four years later, most Americans have finally managed to blot out the traumatic memories. “Alaska? What’s that?” asked Terrie Brewer, thirty-four, of Ohio. “Isn’t it, like, part of Russia?”

With mounting evidence against any indication that Alaska has any bearing at all on the election, Alaskans are finally starting to bow to the inevitable, expressing inclinations of seceding from the U.S. and joining Canada. “It’s not like anyone would notice,” says Steiklen, “I hear there’s a huge colony of Republicans coming over already. Now we can finally get decent health care without having to cooperate with the Democrats for it.”

Florida Admits It Just Wants Attention

As Sandy became the first hurricane in a really long time to focus attention somewhere other than the Gulf, Floridians turned Tuesday to another tried-and-true method of capturing the nation’s attention: running ridiculously close presidential races.

With votes trickling in county by county, the candidates constantly switched leads, sometimes coming within as few as five hundred votes of each other. Voters around the country waited on the edge of their seats for the swing state’s hotly contested results. Many feared 2012 would see a repeat of 2000’s infamous recounts. Floridians, meanwhile, seemed positively enthusiastic about being the last state called by CNN. “We haven’t had an absurd political scandal in months, vicious alligator mutilations are way down, and now hurricanes aren’t even hitting us anymore,” said Dave Robinson, fifty-four, of Miami. “Thank goodness we have the election to get us back in the headlines. If it’s close enough, maybe we can even get another Supreme Court case out of it. That could last until 2013.”

The country, however, had other ideas; after spotlighting Florida for hours without drawing any conclusions, CNN finally gave up and called the race based on Ohio’s results. Florida, unable to accept that its votes no longer mattered, continued to hold out long into the night. After Romney’s concession, Florida’s neighbors advised it to give up and go home. Instead, Florida dropped down to a 0.7% victory margin for Obama and continued insisting that nobody cared about Ohio and it was clearly the real battleground state. At press time, Florida was still trying to convince voters that a recount could actually change the outcome of the election and that this election couldn’t be called for another three weeks, at least.

Freshman Convinced His Vote Made a Difference

Freshman Mark Allen of Sacramento, California, spent Tuesday evening glued to CNN’s coverage of election results to see the effect his vote would personally have on the future of his country.  “This is the first time I can vote, and I am so glad I made my voice heard,” says Allen. “I have been waiting a full eighteen years to make a difference in the future of this country. Tonight, I finally made that dream a reality.”

Allen’s ballot joined those of more than seventeen million registered Californian voters to choose 55 out of 538 representatives to the electoral college. California’s winner-take-all system awarded all 55 of these votes to Obama, the majority winner of the staunchly blue state.

When CNN predicted that California would go to Obama one minute after polls closed, Allen cheered along with his classmates at the knowledge that he had managed to change Obama’s fate. “This election was close, and I know that my vote really counted,” says Allen, who self-identifies as a liberal along with more than half of his state. “I just wanted the outcome of this election to personally reflect the preferences of normal, everyday Americans like me.”

Voters Eager for Republicans to Announce Actual Candidate

With the general election fast approaching, polls show voters more than ready for Republicans to announce who they are actually running against current president Barack Obama. “Romney’s nice and all,” says Megan Grimer, 43, of Ohio, “but seriously, who’s running? I’d like to know before I vote.”

This election season has seen Republicans swing wildly from candidate to candidate. Romney’s run has been the longest; Republicans have gone so far as to actually nominate him at their official convention. However, voters have continued to lack enthusiasm for Romney, calling him “bland” and even “robotic.” “Romney’s run has been a nice dress rehearsal for the real candidate, but he’s starting to wear out his welcome,” says Chris Park, 32, of Florida. “It’s been a suspenseful year, but now the race is nearly over. I can’t wait until the Republicans unveil their final choice.”

When asked for comment on their real choice for the presidency, Republican party leaders responded as they have for the past four years: “We’re working on it.”

Rick Perry Endorses Perry the Platypus for President

Austin, Texas - Texas governor and former Republican presidential candidate Rick Perry shocked and delighted the country this morning when he revoked his endorsement of Newt Gingrich and bestowed it instead on beloved Disney Channel star Perry the Platypus.

Perry, who plays a supposedly harmless pet that lives a double life as butt-kicking Agent P on Disney's wildly popular show Phineas and Ferb, has rocketed through the polls after several stunning debate performances and a spectacularly popular live tour. If elected, he promises to extend summer vacation to 105 days, outlaw the heinous practice of "busting," and focus all his resources on outwitting the dastardly Dr. Doofenshmirtz once and for all.

When asked the reason for his surprise endorsement of Perry, Perry replied, "Well, I had all these 'Perry for President' bumper stickers, T-shirts, fridge magnets, bobble heads, keychains, mugs, shorts, hats, blankets, jackets, and posters, and it seemed a shame to let them go to waste. Besides, I've always wanted to see a Perry in the White House, and if it can't be me, who's better than a semi-aquatic egg-laying mammal of action?"

Perry is polling especially well among 7-12 year olds, whom his campaign managers cite as making up an important, though often overlooked, demographic. Third grader Lauren Hinkley says she supports Perry because "he's funny! Haha! Can I have a lollipop?"

Elsewhere in the country, Perry has gained renown for his distinguished military career as Agent P and devotion to preserving the Tri-State Area. "This country will be completely secure with Perry at the helm," said Perry in his endorsement speech. "I mean, did you see the way he took out the Shrinkinator? He could totally destroy Iran."

Perry's flawless debate performances are also taking Americans by storm. Because he is incapable of speech, Perry relies on three printed placards to express his opinion - an American flag, a Nobama sign, and a really, really cute picture of a puppy. "For a minute there, I was worried that he didn't know how to deal with the housing market, but then he held up the puppy and I was just like, 'Awwww!' " remembers enamored audience member Vanessa Platts. "Ohmygosh, did you see its eyes? They were so cute! And its little paws... Wait, what was I talking about again?"

Perry has dedicated his vast campaign fund to Perry, who is also benefitting from the assistance of the Disney empire and the Fireside Girls PAC. His ads have become viral hits on Youtube, especially one depicting Perry, as Agent P, taking down Dr. Doofenshmirtz's diabolical Obaminator, which is threatening to destroy the Tri-State Area through its abominable socialist acts. The ad ends with Perry's now-famous slogan: "Perry the Platypus: Taking Back the Tri-State Area, and Now America."

"Sure, I guess Perry would be a good president," says Perry's owner, Phineas Flynn. "And if not, well, I mean, it's understandable. He's a platypus. They don't do much."

Congress Sells its Soul to Wikipedia in Exchange for an End to Blackout

Washington, D.C. - The now-infamous Wikipedia blackout ended this morning when Congress agreed to sell its soul in exchange for access to the world's premier source of useless information.

The blackout was originally conceived as a protest against the Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA) and the Protect Intellectual Property Act (PIPA). These bills attempted to curtail online copyright infringement by requiring websites to police contributed material and block suspect sites. Beginning at midnight Eastern time on Tuesday, January 17, the English Wikipedia homepage was replaced with a haunting black background, and the only articles available were those about SOPA and PIPA.

The dire consequences of this blackout quickly became apparent. "I couldn't function," says shell-shocked college student Lauren Kim. "It was like the world was ending. I couldn't write my term paper, I couldn't study for my history final, I couldn't look up the winner of American Idol in 2006, I couldn't prove to my roommate that the sky is actually pink on Mars... I couldn't do anything."

"It was absolutely the worst thing that's ever happened to me," testifies graphic designer Scott Winterfield, who is currently among the many being treated for post traumatic stress disorder associated with the blackout. "Thinking about it makes me feel like I'm back there again... Cut off from everything..." He shudders. "I - I can't talk about it anymore. If SOPA passes, and Wikipedia shuts down again, I don't even think life will be worth living."

The massive uproar surrounding the event some are calling Wikipocalypse quickly drew the attention of Congress. "We knew people weren't happy, but we didn't know they were this unhappy," says harassed representative Lamar Smith, the original author of SOPA, who has been branded by Wikipedia's supporters as evil incarnate. "I'm sorry, okay? Can you please stop adding devil horns to all my Facebook pictures now?"

The blackout was originally scheduled to last just twenty-four hours, but as midnight Wednesday passed and the black background remained stubbornly immovable, it quickly became apparent that it would not be lifted in the near future. Congress called an emergency session and vowed to do something about killing SOPA and PIPA, as soon as they could search Wikipedia for an article about how to kill SOPA and PIPA. This wasn't good enough for Wikipedia, which forced Congress to pass a balanced budget, formulate a bipartisan healthcare bill, fix the tax code and the education system, give up their firstborn children, and finally sell their own souls before they would agree to lift the blackout.

"At first, we wanted to protect free speech and liberty, blah blah blah, but then we figured, why stop?" says Jimmy Wales, co-founder of Wikipedia, with a devious smile. "If we could revoke one bill, why not two? Why not all of them? Why not rewrite the entire Constitution, while we're at it?"

"For now, we're good with Congress' souls and all these firstborn children, but they won't last forever," he continues with an even more devious smile. "I won't give away any specifics, but let's just say that 'Supreme Ruler of the Universe' could soon become an actual title. Oh, and we're going to need someone to rewrite the article on democracy. Who needs elections when you can bend an entire country to your will with a few lines of HTML?"

When asked their opinion of Wikipedia's future plans, Congress immediately passed a bill jumpstarting construction of a Wikitemple to the Wikigods and announced plans to begin regular human sacrifices to appease the wrath of those responsible for the Wikipocalypse.

Area Teen Sleeps Through Four Straight Days of School

Sugar Land, TX - Senior Mike Larson recently set a record for the least time spent awake in class by sleeping through four straight days of school.

According to friends, Larson spent a solid fifty minutes of each period sound asleep. When the bell rang, he would shuffle, zombie-like, down the hall to his next class, where he would promptly collapse once more.

"I tried everything to wake him up, but nothing worked," says Larson's exasperated history teacher, John Harding. "I rapped a yardstick on his desk, called on him for every question, got neighboring students to shake him, shined a flashlight in his face, threw a dodgeball at his head... That kid was out."

"It's pretty impressive, actually," he adds. "I haven't seen a student that determined since Stephanie Peawater insisted on taking every test sitting on the floor."

Larson's parents expressed surprise when told of their son's lengthy hibernation. "He hasn't been staying up any later than normal," says his mother, Helen Larson. "He goes to bed at nine every night. And he sleeps from the time he gets home until I call him down for dinner... How can one person sleep for that long?"

Larson could not be woken up for comment.