Alaskans Not Even Sure Why They Bother

As CNN announced Obama the winner of the presidential race a full twenty minutes before polls even closed in Alaska, Alaskans wondered once again why they still continue to show up at the polls.

 “We start late, we end late, everyone knows we’re Republican anyway, and all we get for our trouble is three lousy electoral votes,” says disillusioned forty-three-year-old Michael Steiklen. “I walked four miles in the snow to get to the closest poll place, and as soon as I come within a mile of civilization, the first thing I see is a giant Obama party in the front yard. Obviously, my vote matters a lot in the future of the country.”

Sarah Palin’s remarkable debut onto the national stage in the 2008 election briefly put Alaska on the map, but four years later, most Americans have finally managed to blot out the traumatic memories. “Alaska? What’s that?” asked Terrie Brewer, thirty-four, of Ohio. “Isn’t it, like, part of Russia?”

With mounting evidence against any indication that Alaska has any bearing at all on the election, Alaskans are finally starting to bow to the inevitable, expressing inclinations of seceding from the U.S. and joining Canada. “It’s not like anyone would notice,” says Steiklen, “I hear there’s a huge colony of Republicans coming over already. Now we can finally get decent health care without having to cooperate with the Democrats for it.”

Florida Admits It Just Wants Attention

As Sandy became the first hurricane in a really long time to focus attention somewhere other than the Gulf, Floridians turned Tuesday to another tried-and-true method of capturing the nation’s attention: running ridiculously close presidential races.

With votes trickling in county by county, the candidates constantly switched leads, sometimes coming within as few as five hundred votes of each other. Voters around the country waited on the edge of their seats for the swing state’s hotly contested results. Many feared 2012 would see a repeat of 2000’s infamous recounts. Floridians, meanwhile, seemed positively enthusiastic about being the last state called by CNN. “We haven’t had an absurd political scandal in months, vicious alligator mutilations are way down, and now hurricanes aren’t even hitting us anymore,” said Dave Robinson, fifty-four, of Miami. “Thank goodness we have the election to get us back in the headlines. If it’s close enough, maybe we can even get another Supreme Court case out of it. That could last until 2013.”

The country, however, had other ideas; after spotlighting Florida for hours without drawing any conclusions, CNN finally gave up and called the race based on Ohio’s results. Florida, unable to accept that its votes no longer mattered, continued to hold out long into the night. After Romney’s concession, Florida’s neighbors advised it to give up and go home. Instead, Florida dropped down to a 0.7% victory margin for Obama and continued insisting that nobody cared about Ohio and it was clearly the real battleground state. At press time, Florida was still trying to convince voters that a recount could actually change the outcome of the election and that this election couldn’t be called for another three weeks, at least.

Freshman Convinced His Vote Made a Difference

Freshman Mark Allen of Sacramento, California, spent Tuesday evening glued to CNN’s coverage of election results to see the effect his vote would personally have on the future of his country.  “This is the first time I can vote, and I am so glad I made my voice heard,” says Allen. “I have been waiting a full eighteen years to make a difference in the future of this country. Tonight, I finally made that dream a reality.”

Allen’s ballot joined those of more than seventeen million registered Californian voters to choose 55 out of 538 representatives to the electoral college. California’s winner-take-all system awarded all 55 of these votes to Obama, the majority winner of the staunchly blue state.

When CNN predicted that California would go to Obama one minute after polls closed, Allen cheered along with his classmates at the knowledge that he had managed to change Obama’s fate. “This election was close, and I know that my vote really counted,” says Allen, who self-identifies as a liberal along with more than half of his state. “I just wanted the outcome of this election to personally reflect the preferences of normal, everyday Americans like me.”

Voters Eager for Republicans to Announce Actual Candidate

With the general election fast approaching, polls show voters more than ready for Republicans to announce who they are actually running against current president Barack Obama. “Romney’s nice and all,” says Megan Grimer, 43, of Ohio, “but seriously, who’s running? I’d like to know before I vote.”

This election season has seen Republicans swing wildly from candidate to candidate. Romney’s run has been the longest; Republicans have gone so far as to actually nominate him at their official convention. However, voters have continued to lack enthusiasm for Romney, calling him “bland” and even “robotic.” “Romney’s run has been a nice dress rehearsal for the real candidate, but he’s starting to wear out his welcome,” says Chris Park, 32, of Florida. “It’s been a suspenseful year, but now the race is nearly over. I can’t wait until the Republicans unveil their final choice.”

When asked for comment on their real choice for the presidency, Republican party leaders responded as they have for the past four years: “We’re working on it.”