Austin, Texas - Texas governor and former Republican presidential candidate Rick Perry shocked and delighted the country this morning when he revoked his endorsement of Newt Gingrich and bestowed it instead on beloved Disney Channel star Perry the Platypus.
Perry, who plays a supposedly harmless pet that lives a double life as butt-kicking Agent P on Disney's wildly popular show Phineas and Ferb, has rocketed through the polls after several stunning debate performances and a spectacularly popular live tour. If elected, he promises to extend summer vacation to 105 days, outlaw the heinous practice of "busting," and focus all his resources on outwitting the dastardly Dr. Doofenshmirtz once and for all.
When asked the reason for his surprise endorsement of Perry, Perry replied, "Well, I had all these 'Perry for President' bumper stickers, T-shirts, fridge magnets, bobble heads, keychains, mugs, shorts, hats, blankets, jackets, and posters, and it seemed a shame to let them go to waste. Besides, I've always wanted to see a Perry in the White House, and if it can't be me, who's better than a semi-aquatic egg-laying mammal of action?"
Perry is polling especially well among 7-12 year olds, whom his campaign managers cite as making up an important, though often overlooked, demographic. Third grader Lauren Hinkley says she supports Perry because "he's funny! Haha! Can I have a lollipop?"
Elsewhere in the country, Perry has gained renown for his distinguished military career as Agent P and devotion to preserving the Tri-State Area. "This country will be completely secure with Perry at the helm," said Perry in his endorsement speech. "I mean, did you see the way he took out the Shrinkinator? He could totally destroy Iran."
Perry's flawless debate performances are also taking Americans by storm. Because he is incapable of speech, Perry relies on three printed placards to express his opinion - an American flag, a Nobama sign, and a really, really cute picture of a puppy. "For a minute there, I was worried that he didn't know how to deal with the housing market, but then he held up the puppy and I was just like, 'Awwww!' " remembers enamored audience member Vanessa Platts. "Ohmygosh, did you see its eyes? They were so cute! And its little paws... Wait, what was I talking about again?"
Perry has dedicated his vast campaign fund to Perry, who is also benefitting from the assistance of the Disney empire and the Fireside Girls PAC. His ads have become viral hits on Youtube, especially one depicting Perry, as Agent P, taking down Dr. Doofenshmirtz's diabolical Obaminator, which is threatening to destroy the Tri-State Area through its abominable socialist acts. The ad ends with Perry's now-famous slogan: "Perry the Platypus: Taking Back the Tri-State Area, and Now America."
"Sure, I guess Perry would be a good president," says Perry's owner, Phineas Flynn. "And if not, well, I mean, it's understandable. He's a platypus. They don't do much."
Monday, January 23, 2012
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Congress Sells its Soul to Wikipedia in Exchange for an End to Blackout
Washington, D.C. - The now-infamous Wikipedia blackout ended this morning when Congress agreed to sell its soul in exchange for access to the world's premier source of useless information.
The blackout was originally conceived as a protest against the Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA) and the Protect Intellectual Property Act (PIPA). These bills attempted to curtail online copyright infringement by requiring websites to police contributed material and block suspect sites. Beginning at midnight Eastern time on Tuesday, January 17, the English Wikipedia homepage was replaced with a haunting black background, and the only articles available were those about SOPA and PIPA.
The dire consequences of this blackout quickly became apparent. "I couldn't function," says shell-shocked college student Lauren Kim. "It was like the world was ending. I couldn't write my term paper, I couldn't study for my history final, I couldn't look up the winner of American Idol in 2006, I couldn't prove to my roommate that the sky is actually pink on Mars... I couldn't do anything."
"It was absolutely the worst thing that's ever happened to me," testifies graphic designer Scott Winterfield, who is currently among the many being treated for post traumatic stress disorder associated with the blackout. "Thinking about it makes me feel like I'm back there again... Cut off from everything..." He shudders. "I - I can't talk about it anymore. If SOPA passes, and Wikipedia shuts down again, I don't even think life will be worth living."
The massive uproar surrounding the event some are calling Wikipocalypse quickly drew the attention of Congress. "We knew people weren't happy, but we didn't know they were this unhappy," says harassed representative Lamar Smith, the original author of SOPA, who has been branded by Wikipedia's supporters as evil incarnate. "I'm sorry, okay? Can you please stop adding devil horns to all my Facebook pictures now?"
The blackout was originally scheduled to last just twenty-four hours, but as midnight Wednesday passed and the black background remained stubbornly immovable, it quickly became apparent that it would not be lifted in the near future. Congress called an emergency session and vowed to do something about killing SOPA and PIPA, as soon as they could search Wikipedia for an article about how to kill SOPA and PIPA. This wasn't good enough for Wikipedia, which forced Congress to pass a balanced budget, formulate a bipartisan healthcare bill, fix the tax code and the education system, give up their firstborn children, and finally sell their own souls before they would agree to lift the blackout.
"At first, we wanted to protect free speech and liberty, blah blah blah, but then we figured, why stop?" says Jimmy Wales, co-founder of Wikipedia, with a devious smile. "If we could revoke one bill, why not two? Why not all of them? Why not rewrite the entire Constitution, while we're at it?"
"For now, we're good with Congress' souls and all these firstborn children, but they won't last forever," he continues with an even more devious smile. "I won't give away any specifics, but let's just say that 'Supreme Ruler of the Universe' could soon become an actual title. Oh, and we're going to need someone to rewrite the article on democracy. Who needs elections when you can bend an entire country to your will with a few lines of HTML?"
When asked their opinion of Wikipedia's future plans, Congress immediately passed a bill jumpstarting construction of a Wikitemple to the Wikigods and announced plans to begin regular human sacrifices to appease the wrath of those responsible for the Wikipocalypse.
The blackout was originally conceived as a protest against the Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA) and the Protect Intellectual Property Act (PIPA). These bills attempted to curtail online copyright infringement by requiring websites to police contributed material and block suspect sites. Beginning at midnight Eastern time on Tuesday, January 17, the English Wikipedia homepage was replaced with a haunting black background, and the only articles available were those about SOPA and PIPA.
The dire consequences of this blackout quickly became apparent. "I couldn't function," says shell-shocked college student Lauren Kim. "It was like the world was ending. I couldn't write my term paper, I couldn't study for my history final, I couldn't look up the winner of American Idol in 2006, I couldn't prove to my roommate that the sky is actually pink on Mars... I couldn't do anything."
"It was absolutely the worst thing that's ever happened to me," testifies graphic designer Scott Winterfield, who is currently among the many being treated for post traumatic stress disorder associated with the blackout. "Thinking about it makes me feel like I'm back there again... Cut off from everything..." He shudders. "I - I can't talk about it anymore. If SOPA passes, and Wikipedia shuts down again, I don't even think life will be worth living."
The massive uproar surrounding the event some are calling Wikipocalypse quickly drew the attention of Congress. "We knew people weren't happy, but we didn't know they were this unhappy," says harassed representative Lamar Smith, the original author of SOPA, who has been branded by Wikipedia's supporters as evil incarnate. "I'm sorry, okay? Can you please stop adding devil horns to all my Facebook pictures now?"
The blackout was originally scheduled to last just twenty-four hours, but as midnight Wednesday passed and the black background remained stubbornly immovable, it quickly became apparent that it would not be lifted in the near future. Congress called an emergency session and vowed to do something about killing SOPA and PIPA, as soon as they could search Wikipedia for an article about how to kill SOPA and PIPA. This wasn't good enough for Wikipedia, which forced Congress to pass a balanced budget, formulate a bipartisan healthcare bill, fix the tax code and the education system, give up their firstborn children, and finally sell their own souls before they would agree to lift the blackout.
"At first, we wanted to protect free speech and liberty, blah blah blah, but then we figured, why stop?" says Jimmy Wales, co-founder of Wikipedia, with a devious smile. "If we could revoke one bill, why not two? Why not all of them? Why not rewrite the entire Constitution, while we're at it?"
"For now, we're good with Congress' souls and all these firstborn children, but they won't last forever," he continues with an even more devious smile. "I won't give away any specifics, but let's just say that 'Supreme Ruler of the Universe' could soon become an actual title. Oh, and we're going to need someone to rewrite the article on democracy. Who needs elections when you can bend an entire country to your will with a few lines of HTML?"
When asked their opinion of Wikipedia's future plans, Congress immediately passed a bill jumpstarting construction of a Wikitemple to the Wikigods and announced plans to begin regular human sacrifices to appease the wrath of those responsible for the Wikipocalypse.
Area Teen Sleeps Through Four Straight Days of School
Sugar Land, TX - Senior Mike Larson recently set a record for the least time spent awake in class by sleeping through four straight days of school.
According to friends, Larson spent a solid fifty minutes of each period sound asleep. When the bell rang, he would shuffle, zombie-like, down the hall to his next class, where he would promptly collapse once more.
"I tried everything to wake him up, but nothing worked," says Larson's exasperated history teacher, John Harding. "I rapped a yardstick on his desk, called on him for every question, got neighboring students to shake him, shined a flashlight in his face, threw a dodgeball at his head... That kid was out."
"It's pretty impressive, actually," he adds. "I haven't seen a student that determined since Stephanie Peawater insisted on taking every test sitting on the floor."
Larson's parents expressed surprise when told of their son's lengthy hibernation. "He hasn't been staying up any later than normal," says his mother, Helen Larson. "He goes to bed at nine every night. And he sleeps from the time he gets home until I call him down for dinner... How can one person sleep for that long?"
Larson could not be woken up for comment.
According to friends, Larson spent a solid fifty minutes of each period sound asleep. When the bell rang, he would shuffle, zombie-like, down the hall to his next class, where he would promptly collapse once more.
"I tried everything to wake him up, but nothing worked," says Larson's exasperated history teacher, John Harding. "I rapped a yardstick on his desk, called on him for every question, got neighboring students to shake him, shined a flashlight in his face, threw a dodgeball at his head... That kid was out."
"It's pretty impressive, actually," he adds. "I haven't seen a student that determined since Stephanie Peawater insisted on taking every test sitting on the floor."
Larson's parents expressed surprise when told of their son's lengthy hibernation. "He hasn't been staying up any later than normal," says his mother, Helen Larson. "He goes to bed at nine every night. And he sleeps from the time he gets home until I call him down for dinner... How can one person sleep for that long?"
Larson could not be woken up for comment.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Sarah Palin Wins Iowa Caucus
Des Moines, Iowa - The Iowa caucus this year continued its trend of turning out surprising winners by nominating Sarah Palin as its Republican presidential candidate of choice.
The Iowa caucus is traditionally the first caucus held and often gives black horse candidates a needed boost of momentum and fundraising.
Palin, who never announced a bid for the presidency, says the win is "surprising, considering that I wasn't exactly running, but nice. I guess America has spoken." She plans to begin thinking about considering a presidential run in the near future.
Iowan Paul Ruthers cites Palin's record as a defender of the people as the reason behind his choice. "I just thought, you know, Palin really gets us. She knows what we want, and she can give it to us. Palin 2012!"
"Besides," he adds, "who else was I supposed to vote for? Romney? Hah. Not likely."
The Iowa caucus is traditionally the first caucus held and often gives black horse candidates a needed boost of momentum and fundraising.
Palin, who never announced a bid for the presidency, says the win is "surprising, considering that I wasn't exactly running, but nice. I guess America has spoken." She plans to begin thinking about considering a presidential run in the near future.
Iowan Paul Ruthers cites Palin's record as a defender of the people as the reason behind his choice. "I just thought, you know, Palin really gets us. She knows what we want, and she can give it to us. Palin 2012!"
"Besides," he adds, "who else was I supposed to vote for? Romney? Hah. Not likely."
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