As everyone who has recently attempted a trip to the mall knows, the number of insane drivers in the mall parking lot increases proportionally with proximity to Christmas. This is a list of the five types of drivers you are likely to meet if you choose to risk your life for a last-minute trip to Macy's.
1. The Stressed Parent - This driver is easily recognizable for her enormous minivan, hyper elf-like passengers, and generally exhausted appearance. She have been awake since five in the morning pouring cereal for sticky toddlers and can't look forward to a nap anytime soon. Her back seat is usually piled high with presents their kids have wheedled her into buying, thus blocking her rearview mirror and ensuring that she will attempt to hit everything around her while backing out of a parking space. If you cut her off, she will sigh deeply and probably fall asleep on their steering wheel while her kids sing Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer loudly and off-key from the back seat.
2. The College Kid - This driver does not appear until a week before Christmas, when he descends upon the mall with a vengeance. He will most likely have eight other college kids in the car with him because none of them can be bothered to buy their own gas. If you are lucky, he will have been kind enough to turn up his bass loud enough for you to enjoy his music along with him. Fortunately, because this driver is most likely broke and bored, he will mostly likely spend hours at the mall, looking for bargains and drinking coffee ironically. This ensures that you will most likely not ever get his parking space. If you cut him off, this driver will probably attempt to hit you.
3. The Cell Phone Addict - This driver is too busy gabbing away to notice anything on the road. Her conversation is too important to be interrupted for little things like traffic lights or other drivers. If you are especially lucky, this driver will also be prone to texting, so she could have an entire wreck and not even know it. She is easily recognized by her obliviousness to everything going on around her. If you cut her off, this driver will complain to her friend about you, assuming she noticed you were there in the first place.
4. The Ball of Rage - This driver is remarkable for his ability to be angry at anything and anyone. He will scream at you and make rude hand gestures whether you take his parking place, forget to yield at a stop sign, or offer him a bunch of roses. Those who are unlucky enough to cross him may wonder why he has skipped his anger management class to go to the mall and buy Christmas presents, when he is obviously lacking the Christmas spirit. However, the fact that his face is permanently red is doubtless an effort to decorate for the holidays and must therefore be respected. If you cut this driver off, his head will explode from fury.
5. The Cautious One - This driver takes patience as a virtue to a whole new level. She never drives more than ten miles below the speed limit, even in the parking lot, where the speed limit is 15 mph. If you are stuck behind her, congratulations - you will be stuck there for a long time. It is unclear whether she is a ridiculously safe driver or just enjoys making other people's lives miserable. Recent evidence, such as her tendency to leave her left blinker on for no reason, twenty second waiting period at stopsigns, and obsessive-compulsive need to straighten out her parking twelve times in a row, points to the latter. If you cut off this driver, she will be going so slowly that she will not have to stop at all, and you can rest easy that you have escaped the terrible fate of inching along behind her for the next hour until you reach a two-lane road.
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