College Application Quiz

1. Write about a person who influenced you.
     A. My sister is the most selfless person I know. After my Kenyan mother died of leukemia and my Indonesian father left us for a Cherokee woman in Mexico, my sister singlehandedly raised my twelve younger siblings and me while working full time and dealing with a disability. I hope that I can live up to her legendary courage, compassion, and desire to help others.
     B. Oh. Um. Well. One time, I had this teacher who was pretty cool, and he let us play heads-up-seven-up on Fridays, and he made me want to be a teacher, but then I changed my mind. Does that still count as influence?
     C. Do you honestly believe that I allow the opinions of mere mortals to change my perfect self?

2. How did you spend last summer?
     A. Last summer, I built a school for homeless children in Haiti while learning French, Spanish, and Latin and perfecting my varsity badminton skills. It taught me the importance of finding happiness through the little things in life.
     B. On the couch, watching Cake Boss reruns. Wait, that makes me sound lazy. Um... I babysat my friend's brother once...
     C. If I told you, I would have to kill you.

3. Why do you want to attend this college?
     A. For the past two years, I have been researching thermonuclear particles on campus with Nobel Laureate Professor Johnson. I look forward to continuing my research while also experiencing the wonders of college life.
     B. It doesn't matter. I'm not going to get in, anyway.
     C. Why do you want me to attend this college?

4. What are five words that describe you?
     A. Vivacious, conscientious, insightful, compassionate, courageous
     B. Responsible and organized, mostly, except I usually don't make up my bed, and my desk is a mess... What's a synonym for "generally well-meaning but occasionally does very clueless things?"
     C. Way more awesome than you

5. Describe your extracurricular activities.
     A. I'm president of student council, drum major of the band, entrepreneur of my own clothing company, founder of eight volunteering organizations, Gold Award recipient and Eagle Scout, representative of Model UN and Student Congress, English, Science, Spanish, German, Music, and regular Honors Society president, and varsity basketball captain. Also, I volunteer at the animal shelter on weekends.
     B. One time, I went to a Jets meeting, because I thought it was bio tutorials. Does that count? I knew I should have joined PALS...
     C. Clubs represent society's attempts to force us into a standard of conformity thinly disguised by the euphemism of "unity."

6. Write a letter to your roommate.
     A. I organize my socks by color! Maybe next year we can organize them together! I'll bring an extra divider so we can match!
     B. Can you bring a mini freezer? I had one, but I lost it. Sorry!
     C. Bow to me, minion.

7. List your favorite books and/or authors.
     A. Jane Austen, William Shakespeare, Theodor Dostoyevsky, War and Peace, The Oxford English Dictionary, The Simarillion
     B. That guy who wrote about those people in that place doing that thing... That was awesome.
     C. U.R. Face's epic novel,  I Know You Are, But What Am I?

8. What is your favorite word?
     A. Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis!
     B. Strudel. Haha! Stroooo-del. Wait, is this a trick question? Am I supposed to sound smart? Where's my dictionary?
     C. No.

9. What unique perspective could you bring to this campus?
     A. My experiences building refugee shelters in war-torn Cambodia while mediating peace between Israel and Palestine and feeding every single person affected by the famine in Somalia have opened my eyes to diversity and blessed me with a global rather than U.S.-centric mentality.
     B. Uhhhh... I wear glasses? Diversity for the win?
     C. Answering this question would place me among the mindless horde of direction-following sheep, therby negating any unique traits I might possess. To stave off conformity, I must preserve a hostile silence.

10. Is there anything else you would like us to know about you?
     A. Last summer, I donated my heart, both kidneys, and half a spleen to an eight-year-old with chronic leukemia. However, these minor sacrifices have in no way prevented me from winning the Chicago marathon and making the U.S. Olympic gymnastics team.
     B. I'm sorry! I mean... Please accept me!
     C. Despite my crusty exterior, I am in my heart of hearts a kind and loving person who completely approves of every aspect of the college admissions process. Not.

RESULTS:
Mostly A's: Shut up. Everybody hates you. You're going to get into Harvard for free, jerk. See you at the Nobel Prize ceremonies in three years.
Mostly B's: Congratulations, you're normal! Now stop freaking out. College hasn't rejected you yet.
Mostly C's: Everybody is terrified of you, mostly because you're so amazing. I would admit you to my college, oh fearless one. Please don't kill me.