Area Teen Submits All College Apps Less than Five Minutes Before Deadline

Sugar Land, Texas - High school senior Mark Miller has completed eight college applications, starting six the day they were due and submitting all eight less than five minutes before their respective deadline.

Miller cites homework and extracurriculars as the reason behind his tardiness. "I'm just too busy to fill out these long forms," he says. "I don't know when colleges expect us to write 500 word essays and do homework for one AP class and practice for junior varsity baseball season and bag groceries for three hours a week. It's not humanly possible."

"I don't do it on purpose, or to torture my parents or anything," he continues. "It stresses me out just as much as it stresses them out. But I mean, when am I supposed to do it?"

Miller's parents are confused as to how Miller managed to accomplish absolutely nothing on his applications despite working on them almost constantly. "I don't know what he does up there in front of his computer," says his mother. "He tells us he's working on college apps, and yet, December 31st arrives, and he hasn't written a single word on any of his essays. Can a person really have writer's block for six months straight?"

Classmates of Miller hold to the belief that Miller was simply too busy working on college apps to work on college apps. "It's a common issue," explains senior Ruthie Kim. "You spend all your time thinking about college apps, talking about college apps, and planning for college apps, so when you actually sit down to work on them, you realize you don't have any time left. It's confusing, but it happens to the best of us."

Miller's friend Ben Nelson expresses sympathy for Miller's plight. "I know just how he feels," he says. "When I started my applications back in July, I was worried I wouldn't have time for all the essays along with my seven AP classes, three club presidencies, and role as band drum major. But somehow, I got through it." Nelson's tardiest application was submitted a full two weeks in advance of the deadline, and most were submitted more than a month early.

When questioned about his miraculous achievements in League of Legends and Call of Duty over the past few months, Miller declined to respond.