Area Teen Sleeps Through Four Straight Days of School

Sugar Land, TX - Senior Mike Larson recently set a record for the least time spent awake in class by sleeping through four straight days of school.

According to friends, Larson spent a solid fifty minutes of each period sound asleep. When the bell rang, he would shuffle, zombie-like, down the hall to his next class, where he would promptly collapse once more.

"I tried everything to wake him up, but nothing worked," says Larson's exasperated history teacher, John Harding. "I rapped a yardstick on his desk, called on him for every question, got neighboring students to shake him, shined a flashlight in his face, threw a dodgeball at his head... That kid was out."

"It's pretty impressive, actually," he adds. "I haven't seen a student that determined since Stephanie Peawater insisted on taking every test sitting on the floor."

Larson's parents expressed surprise when told of their son's lengthy hibernation. "He hasn't been staying up any later than normal," says his mother, Helen Larson. "He goes to bed at nine every night. And he sleeps from the time he gets home until I call him down for dinner... How can one person sleep for that long?"

Larson could not be woken up for comment.

Area Teen Submits All College Apps Less than Five Minutes Before Deadline

Sugar Land, Texas - High school senior Mark Miller has completed eight college applications, starting six the day they were due and submitting all eight less than five minutes before their respective deadline.

Miller cites homework and extracurriculars as the reason behind his tardiness. "I'm just too busy to fill out these long forms," he says. "I don't know when colleges expect us to write 500 word essays and do homework for one AP class and practice for junior varsity baseball season and bag groceries for three hours a week. It's not humanly possible."

"I don't do it on purpose, or to torture my parents or anything," he continues. "It stresses me out just as much as it stresses them out. But I mean, when am I supposed to do it?"

Miller's parents are confused as to how Miller managed to accomplish absolutely nothing on his applications despite working on them almost constantly. "I don't know what he does up there in front of his computer," says his mother. "He tells us he's working on college apps, and yet, December 31st arrives, and he hasn't written a single word on any of his essays. Can a person really have writer's block for six months straight?"

Classmates of Miller hold to the belief that Miller was simply too busy working on college apps to work on college apps. "It's a common issue," explains senior Ruthie Kim. "You spend all your time thinking about college apps, talking about college apps, and planning for college apps, so when you actually sit down to work on them, you realize you don't have any time left. It's confusing, but it happens to the best of us."

Miller's friend Ben Nelson expresses sympathy for Miller's plight. "I know just how he feels," he says. "When I started my applications back in July, I was worried I wouldn't have time for all the essays along with my seven AP classes, three club presidencies, and role as band drum major. But somehow, I got through it." Nelson's tardiest application was submitted a full two weeks in advance of the deadline, and most were submitted more than a month early.

When questioned about his miraculous achievements in League of Legends and Call of Duty over the past few months, Miller declined to respond.

Why Fine Arts Should Be Banned From Schools

In this day in age, we all know the true threat to our future as a country is the alarming number of stellar test takers in China and India that increasingly show up our hopelessly average children. Why is this? Because we have for too long allowed our children to be distracted by trivial things such as music, art, and dance. These are not important in life and therefore should be banned from schools throughout the nation. Is this a bit harsh? Perhaps, but that is what we need.

We must outnumber the crazies who seem to think that the arts are just as important as math and science, and think that they benefit kids and help them “grow as human beings.” Utter nonsense. Our children must learn all the facts in the world if we are to have a chance against other countries. They do not need “culture” or “beauty” or to “learn to see the world differently.” They need to be geniuses with absolute focus and determination.

Since of course all sane people agree with me, let us scoff at the foolishness of a few radical liberals who wrote this essay supporting the arts:

Imagine that your entire childhood has been centered on the arts. What you want to do with your life has been clear to you since you were ten – pursue your dream and become an artist or musician or actor or whatever your passion may be. Or even imagine that you are just a normal child who participates in various activities, one of which happens to be a fine art that you love. Then one year you get the crushing news that your school has chosen to cut the arts program that you are in. Anyone would be devastated, wouldn’t you? Historically, when schools have faced budget cuts, fine arts programs have often been the first to go. Even in more prosperous times, fine arts funding is sometimes funneled into math, science, and other “core” subjects because the arts are not seen as being essential. However, this lack of arts education hurts children more than it helps them. Fine arts programs should not be cut because doing so deprives children of an essential quality of humanity: the ability to appreciate beauty, to be creative, and to express themselves.

As fear of China and India's stellar test-takers grows, American schools often abandon the "useless" creative pursuits in favor of more math and science. Many directors and teachers of the arts find their jobs and security in jeopardy because schools do not want to spend the money it takes to run these programs. And that is often without a budget crisis like some districts have recently found themselves in. It is sad and, quite honestly, disappointing that the fine arts are so often deemed frivolous and unnecessary – a luxury few can afford. This view that fine arts are not essential to education could not be farther from the truth. Children who take music or drama learn more creative thought processes that can help them think outside the box, something that will help them for the rest of their lives, no matter what profession they go into. Children educated in the arts have been proven to receive a fuller, richer, rounder education that better prepares them to become productive members of society. On top of that, there have been studies that show that kids involved in the arts often receive higher scores on standardized tests.

The question of fine arts funding is, at its deepest level, a question of what we as humans value most. Do we want to raise a generation of rote memorizers, of testing machines, of children who can produce the right answer but can never truly analyze it; or would we rather nurture creativity and imagination? The soul does not thrive on plain, dry facts – it thrives on beauty, on art, on music. Without fine arts programs, schoolchildren may have more time to learn math and science, but this time may come only at the cost of forsaking that which is necessary to maintain our humanity. School should not be for teaching children what to think, it should be for teaching them how to think for themselves. Even the simplest of machines can compute the what, but only the human brain is sophisticated enough to determine the why. Without arts programs children are not taught to explore the crucial why. Society can cram facts into a child’s brain very easily, but then these kids are simply products of what adults have told them, not of what they themselves have figured out by observing the more intangible and deep aspects of life.  Without the arts, they learn to be nothing but machines, robots even.

Far from leading to a downturn in math and science skills, fine arts can actually improve test scores while also teaching children creative skills. The arts' value lies in their ability to help us see the things in life that otherwise would be invisible; things that, if we are taught purely logic, we will never be able to fully appreciate. Life is made up of more than just facts and absolutes. It also contains those things that are abstract, that center on feelings and emotions. The question of fine arts funding in public schools is extremely important not only to our children’s futures, but to the future of our country and of the human race as a whole. The arts are essential because they enable us to see past what is immediately in front of us to what is inside of us. They remind us of what makes us human.

I simply could not stop laughing at the ridiculousness of this essay, as I’m sure all of you could not either. We must band together to stop these ideas and insure our future as a country, a future that must be rooted in math and science if we are to retain our status as the most powerful country on earth.

Area Student Receives Award for Membership in 30 School Clubs

Senior at Clements High School, Lisa Smith, received on Thursday an award she has been aiming for her entire high school career, the Award of Highest Honor for Club Membership, a prestigious award given to one senior every year who has been a part of the most school clubs/honor societies. The purpose of this honor is to encourage students to get involved in as many clubs as possible because, as we all know, there is simply no point in applying to college unless one has been a member of at least 10 different clubs and had at least 8 leadership positions.

Ms. Smith is a member of Habitat for Humanity, Red Cross club, Students for Christ, Students Against Destructive Decisions, Philosophy club, Students of the world, Student Union, Debate club, Hindi Club, DECA, Japanese Club, Asian Cultural Exchange Club, Student Council, NHS, Spanish, Hebrew, Art, Music, and English honor societies, Model UN, Clements Earth, and that club that plants trees, along with many others. She is the President of five of those, Secretary of three, treasurer of four, social officer of two, and self-proclaimed uber-involved-member of the rest. Oh, and she is also the Senior Class President.

When asked how she handles the responsibility of all these clubs along with her 7 AP classes, she explained, “Well, you see, you don’t actually have to go to all the meetings for most of these clubs, so I only go to the ones that are important. I mean, they’re all important of course, but a lot of them everyone just joins to say that they are in it, so since everyone else does it, so do I.”

We asked her what her favorite club was, she responded, “Oh, definitely Red Cross because I can get so many volunteer hours that are really easy…um, I mean, I really like the warm fuzzy feeling I get when I know I am helping the less fortunate.”

Smith plans on attending either the University of Chicago, Duke University, or UT Austin, and explains that the only reason she even bothered to apply to these prestigious institutions was because she knew they would like all her extra-curricular activities.

“I knew I would stand out from the hoard of other smart people who would be applying because I am, in comparison, well-rounded.” she explained, “Did you know that some people choose to focus on just a few clubs that they really care about instead of being smart and joining them all? Community College for them I suppose.”

Interviewer Decides to Just Make Up Questions

Sugar Land, Texas - To the consternation of high school students interviewing for college, State University alumni interviewer Brad Husly has forgone the traditional interview template in favor of his own unique questions.

Whereas old interviewees might have been asked what their favorite high school class was or why they wanted to attend State University, Husly's new interviewees now have to ponder the difference between llamas and alpacas and why, exactly, the word 'pterodactyl' contains a 'p'.

"I got tired of hearing students repeat ad nauseam their essays and resumes. State University already has that on file - they shouldn't need me to write it down all over again," says Husly in explanation of his controversial new tactics. "I just thought, you know, what State University really needs to know is, can these kids think? And my questions are much better suited to figuring that out."

Husly takes pride in never asking the same question twice. Since he first changed his approach seven months ago, he has interviewed twenty-eight students, all of whom unhesitatingly place the interview as among their most memorable. "He asked me why tables had legs but no knees," says senior Megan Williams of her interview last week, paling at the memory. "I was like, are you crazy? But I couldn't just walk out on him - that would be rude. Long story short, apparently, during the last age of furniture, the table god cursed tables to be forever jointless."

Husly's interviews are also unique in that they last an unprecedented amount of time. Williams' interview took nearly three hours. "Mostly that was because I couldn't figure out how to articulate the purpose of a slanket," says Megan. "I mean, have you ever seen a slanket? They don't have a purpose!"

State University officials insist that Husly's filed reports are perfectly normal and contain nothing out of the ordinary. "He writes the same nonsense as the rest of them - polite, firm handshake, nice teeth, etc, etc," says one admissions officer. "I almost wish he would write down their answers to his supposedly unorthodox questions - it would be so much more interesting than reading a resume all over again."

"Well, of course I don't write my actual questions down on the reports!" says a shocked Husly. "I don't want to get fired!" When asked if he just makes up all the stuff he writes down, then, he protests, "No - I mean, not exactly... And what does it matter, anyway? As long as you don't turn out to be an alien or something, the interview isn't really going to matter."

Williams, when told that her answers to Husly's questions were not reported to State University, responded with a mixture of relief and outrage. "I mean, on the one hand, if they did read my answers, they would think I was part of some weird furniture cult that worships chair arms and slankets. But on the other, that means that I could have not shown up at all and still gotten the same consideration. I can't believe I just wasted three hours of my life," she sighs, annoyed.

Husly continues to affirm that he is not trying to ruin his interviewee's lives. "I'm not doing this because I hate kids," he says. "I'm doing it because I think the interview process has gotten out of control. I'm protesting the establishment, as it were."

"But, yeah," he adds, "on an unrelated note, I do actually hate kids. Sorry."

Area Teen Applies to 28 Schools

Sugar Land, TX - High school senior Madeleine Kim has recently completed 28 college applications, writing over 100 essays and spending at least $1000 in application fees.

Kim, who hopes to major in either sociology or biomedical engineering, has sent in applications to Ivy Leagues, public schools, overseas institutions, and community colleges. She began working on her applications in November of her senior year after attending a Princeton Review seminar about the college selection process. "This is the most important decision I'll ever make," says Kim. "I had to start early because I can't afford to mess this up. My life literally depends on it."

The most challenging part of the application process for Kim was writing the numerous essays required for each college. Kim wrote extensively on topics ranging from an issue she is passionate about to her favorite word. "The weirdest topics definitely came from UChicago," she says. "I mean, Plato vs. play-doh? Really?"

"The hardest question, though, was, 'Why do you want to attend this school?' I pretty much wrote the same ansewr for everything. I know you're supposed to research what's unique about each college or whatever, but who has time for that? I know the name; isn't that enough?"

Kim's best friend, Samantha Lewis, says the application process has been "really difficult" for Kim. "She's so stressed out all the time. All she does is write essays. She made this massive spreadsheet to keep track of everything, and she lugs it around with her everywhere. I can't wait until January, when all this is over. But I guess then she'll be applying to scholarships..."

Lewis has sent in applications to six schools, narrowing down her original list of 20 by researching each online and visiting as many as she could. "I applied to two safety, two realistic, and two reach schools, and I can totally see myself going to any of them," she says. "Those applications were a pain. Six is more than enough. I don't know how Maddy does it."

Kim visited two of her 28 schools on a class trip in 8th grade. "I don't know if I would actually go to those, though," she confesses. "Actually, I think I would only actually go to five or six of the 28. But I might as well apply. Anyway, it'd be cool to get in."

Now that she has completed her college applications, Kim announces plans to begin applying for scholarships. "I have fifty or sixty I've been looking at," she says. "I'll start those over the break. Then I need to apply to jobs, and internships, and study abroad programs, and graduate school... There's just so much to do. I'd better get started."

Study Finds Trolls Now Outnumber Humans at Local High School

Sugar Land, TX - A groundbreaking new study that asked high school students to identify their peers as "trolls" or "humans" has yielded surprising results.

Of the 700 students listed in the survey, 68% were classified as trolls, with an elite 16% achieving the coveted status of "so troll."

"It's an epidemic," says principal Jonathan Stewart. "It's disrupting the classroom. one minute, they're calmly paying attention and taking notes, and the next, they're drawing that awful wrinkly face all over their paper and using the word 'swag' excessively in conversation. We simply don't know what to do."

In an even more surprising twist, the study found that many of the school's teachers have also fallen prey to the troll epidemic. Ted Luchow, an honors physics teacher, was described as a "troll" by all but one of his 96 students (the nonresponsive student fell asleep completing the survey, a behavior described by his classmates as "trolling on you guys so hard"). "First the students, now the teachers... Where will it end?" wonders the distraught Stewart. "This is turning out to be even worse than the pants-on-the-ground craze of 2010."

When asked to comment, student Trevor McIntyre, identified as "so troll" by 100% of his peers, said of Stewart, "This guy..." and walked away.

College Application Quiz

1. Write about a person who influenced you.
     A. My sister is the most selfless person I know. After my Kenyan mother died of leukemia and my Indonesian father left us for a Cherokee woman in Mexico, my sister singlehandedly raised my twelve younger siblings and me while working full time and dealing with a disability. I hope that I can live up to her legendary courage, compassion, and desire to help others.
     B. Oh. Um. Well. One time, I had this teacher who was pretty cool, and he let us play heads-up-seven-up on Fridays, and he made me want to be a teacher, but then I changed my mind. Does that still count as influence?
     C. Do you honestly believe that I allow the opinions of mere mortals to change my perfect self?

2. How did you spend last summer?
     A. Last summer, I built a school for homeless children in Haiti while learning French, Spanish, and Latin and perfecting my varsity badminton skills. It taught me the importance of finding happiness through the little things in life.
     B. On the couch, watching Cake Boss reruns. Wait, that makes me sound lazy. Um... I babysat my friend's brother once...
     C. If I told you, I would have to kill you.

3. Why do you want to attend this college?
     A. For the past two years, I have been researching thermonuclear particles on campus with Nobel Laureate Professor Johnson. I look forward to continuing my research while also experiencing the wonders of college life.
     B. It doesn't matter. I'm not going to get in, anyway.
     C. Why do you want me to attend this college?

4. What are five words that describe you?
     A. Vivacious, conscientious, insightful, compassionate, courageous
     B. Responsible and organized, mostly, except I usually don't make up my bed, and my desk is a mess... What's a synonym for "generally well-meaning but occasionally does very clueless things?"
     C. Way more awesome than you

5. Describe your extracurricular activities.
     A. I'm president of student council, drum major of the band, entrepreneur of my own clothing company, founder of eight volunteering organizations, Gold Award recipient and Eagle Scout, representative of Model UN and Student Congress, English, Science, Spanish, German, Music, and regular Honors Society president, and varsity basketball captain. Also, I volunteer at the animal shelter on weekends.
     B. One time, I went to a Jets meeting, because I thought it was bio tutorials. Does that count? I knew I should have joined PALS...
     C. Clubs represent society's attempts to force us into a standard of conformity thinly disguised by the euphemism of "unity."

6. Write a letter to your roommate.
     A. I organize my socks by color! Maybe next year we can organize them together! I'll bring an extra divider so we can match!
     B. Can you bring a mini freezer? I had one, but I lost it. Sorry!
     C. Bow to me, minion.

7. List your favorite books and/or authors.
     A. Jane Austen, William Shakespeare, Theodor Dostoyevsky, War and Peace, The Oxford English Dictionary, The Simarillion
     B. That guy who wrote about those people in that place doing that thing... That was awesome.
     C. U.R. Face's epic novel,  I Know You Are, But What Am I?

8. What is your favorite word?
     A. Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis!
     B. Strudel. Haha! Stroooo-del. Wait, is this a trick question? Am I supposed to sound smart? Where's my dictionary?
     C. No.

9. What unique perspective could you bring to this campus?
     A. My experiences building refugee shelters in war-torn Cambodia while mediating peace between Israel and Palestine and feeding every single person affected by the famine in Somalia have opened my eyes to diversity and blessed me with a global rather than U.S.-centric mentality.
     B. Uhhhh... I wear glasses? Diversity for the win?
     C. Answering this question would place me among the mindless horde of direction-following sheep, therby negating any unique traits I might possess. To stave off conformity, I must preserve a hostile silence.

10. Is there anything else you would like us to know about you?
     A. Last summer, I donated my heart, both kidneys, and half a spleen to an eight-year-old with chronic leukemia. However, these minor sacrifices have in no way prevented me from winning the Chicago marathon and making the U.S. Olympic gymnastics team.
     B. I'm sorry! I mean... Please accept me!
     C. Despite my crusty exterior, I am in my heart of hearts a kind and loving person who completely approves of every aspect of the college admissions process. Not.

RESULTS:
Mostly A's: Shut up. Everybody hates you. You're going to get into Harvard for free, jerk. See you at the Nobel Prize ceremonies in three years.
Mostly B's: Congratulations, you're normal! Now stop freaking out. College hasn't rejected you yet.
Mostly C's: Everybody is terrified of you, mostly because you're so amazing. I would admit you to my college, oh fearless one. Please don't kill me.

Area Teen Takes 26 APs

Sugar Land, Texas - Clements studen Kevin Lin has signed up for a record-breaking twenty-six advanced placement exams.
AP tests take place in May and can be used for college credit at some universities.
Lin says he started studying last November after scouring Half-Price Books for Princeton Review guides to all the subjects he tested in, ranging from English Language to European History to Biology. "I could only fit nine AP classes into my schedule because our school system is limited to seven-hour school days," complained Lin, who has been petitioning for ten-hour days and a shortened summer. "I mean, if I want to take English III and IV at the same time, I should be able to. It's a constitutional right."
"Wait, no, it isn't," he adds after a minute. "Dang it, I have to know this in an hour. What's the fifth amendment again?"
Lin, a junior, is planning to attend the University of Texas at Austin after his senior year to triple major in chemical engineering, biochemistry, and mathematics while enrolling in three honors programs and preparing for pre-law and pre-med. If UT accepts all of his AP hours, he will be able to enter as a second-semester junior. "I'm pretty sure they don't take human geo, though," he remarks irritantly. "Probably not Hebrew, either. Nobody takes Hebrew."
When asked why he had signed up for the Hebrew AP if it would not yield him a credit, Lin replies, "But it still looks good, right? I mean, if I'm going to get accepted in this competitive market, I need a really strong transcript. Without Hebrew, I might as well not even bother applying to college at all."
Lin is in the top 2% of his class, which guarantees him automatic admission into any public Texas university.
"My advice to other students would be to take as many classes and APs as possible," says Lin. "College is way more important than sleep. I haven't slept in two months, and I'm still alive."
"Now if you'll excuse me, I have an AP to take."