11 Things About 2011 That Didn't Completely Suck

2011 was a year of spectacular failures - the BP blowout, Charlie Sheen, various Republican presidential candidates, and practically of all Europe went out with a bang. But, despite everything we complained about this year, some parts of 2011 weren't entirely terrible. Here, we take a look back at 11 things about 2011 that actually had a few redeeming qualities.

1. Cake Balls - Alright, alright, these were probably actually invented in Mesopotamia thousands  of years ago, but they really came into their own in 2011. And thank goodness they did - who can say no to balls of cake, rolled in icing, on a stick? Pure deliciousness.

2. The Absent Apocalypse - The world, obviously, did not end on May 21 or October 21, leaving us all free to eat, drink, and be merry for a whole year more before December 21, 2012 (what is it with all these 21's, anyway? It's as if the apocalypse was actually just a game of blackjack gone wrong).

3. The Last Harry Potter Movie - Okay, it wasn't perfect (Voldemort's ridiculously anticlimactic death? Really?), but ohmygosh Neville! And Professor McGonagall! And Snape! And Mrs. Weasley dueling Bellatrix! And the most awkward movie hug of all time! The epic conclusion to the Harry Potter saga was just that - epic.

4. Blackbeard's Sword - Just in time for the new Pirates of the Carribean movie. Wonder if Johnny Depp was invited along to see the grand reveal?

5. The Seventh Billion Baby - Let's forget about overcrowding and limited resources for a minute and focus on the fact that this planet now holds seven billion people. Isn't that kind of incredible? Plus, as we all know, seven is the most powerfully magic number, so seven billion must be a billion times more magical than seven. You know what that means - someone is going to be getting a letter from Hogwarts...

6. The Chilean Miners - Thirty-three men rescued from the bowels of the earth after being trapped underground for 69 days. What's not wonderful about this?

7. The Arab Spring - Freedom! Liberty! Free speech! Peaceful (or not-so-peaceful) protest! The Arab Spring gave us confidence in young people, oppressed nations, and, strangely, Twitter. The bravery of these protestors points to a brighter future for all of us.

8. Community - The episode that comes to mind is the one with six alternate timelines, although the glee club brainwashings and the paintball battle were also hilarious. Because this list is about happy things, I am determined not to mention the great injustice that culminated in this wonderful show being removed from the air next year. Sigh...
9. This

10. Man Beats Computer at Jeopardy - Watson was finally dethroned by Rush Holt Jr., alleviating fears that robots will soon become self-aware and rise up to destroy humanity. They may be able to process information much faster than us, perform incredibly precise surgery, and cook dinner, but as long as we can still beat them at game shows, they can't get the better of us.

11. Sherlock Holmes - Because I'm going to be Irene when I grow up.

Area Teen Submits All College Apps Less than Five Minutes Before Deadline

Sugar Land, Texas - High school senior Mark Miller has completed eight college applications, starting six the day they were due and submitting all eight less than five minutes before their respective deadline.

Miller cites homework and extracurriculars as the reason behind his tardiness. "I'm just too busy to fill out these long forms," he says. "I don't know when colleges expect us to write 500 word essays and do homework for one AP class and practice for junior varsity baseball season and bag groceries for three hours a week. It's not humanly possible."

"I don't do it on purpose, or to torture my parents or anything," he continues. "It stresses me out just as much as it stresses them out. But I mean, when am I supposed to do it?"

Miller's parents are confused as to how Miller managed to accomplish absolutely nothing on his applications despite working on them almost constantly. "I don't know what he does up there in front of his computer," says his mother. "He tells us he's working on college apps, and yet, December 31st arrives, and he hasn't written a single word on any of his essays. Can a person really have writer's block for six months straight?"

Classmates of Miller hold to the belief that Miller was simply too busy working on college apps to work on college apps. "It's a common issue," explains senior Ruthie Kim. "You spend all your time thinking about college apps, talking about college apps, and planning for college apps, so when you actually sit down to work on them, you realize you don't have any time left. It's confusing, but it happens to the best of us."

Miller's friend Ben Nelson expresses sympathy for Miller's plight. "I know just how he feels," he says. "When I started my applications back in July, I was worried I wouldn't have time for all the essays along with my seven AP classes, three club presidencies, and role as band drum major. But somehow, I got through it." Nelson's tardiest application was submitted a full two weeks in advance of the deadline, and most were submitted more than a month early.

When questioned about his miraculous achievements in League of Legends and Call of Duty over the past few months, Miller declined to respond.

Thanks-a-Lot Letters Replace Traditional Thank-You Letters

Trenton, New Jersey - Sometimes, old traditions are in need of an update. Anyway, that's what twenty-two year old Trevor Hastings thought when he decided to revamp the much-maligned thank-you note. Hastings has replaced the template used for decades with his own, more modern translation, brimming with twenty-first century irony and sarcasm. See template below (we have filled in the blanks with an example from Hastings):

Dear (Aunt Sally):

Thanks a lot for the (sweater). I definitely enjoyed the fact that it was (itchy), (ugly), and (made of the fur of dead cats). I'm sure it will come in handy (during the apocalypse, when the zombies will be too stunned by its ugliness to attack). It was really great of you to think of me. No, really.

Again, thanks a lot,
(Trevor Hastings)

"I think the time of the traditional thank-you note is past," says Hastings of his modern-day note. "It's time to move on into the future. People don't want all that fluff and nonsense about how puce green is your favorite color and you're going to use that eighteenth set of china for the rest of your life. They want the truth. And with my thanks-a-lot note, you can give it to them, in true twenty-first century style."

Famed columnist Miss Manners is less enthusiastic. "It is, quite frankly, rude," she says of the thanks-a-lot note. "I won't abide by all this nonsense the young people are putting out nowadays. Whatever happened to old-fashioned gratitude?"

Teenager Grace Barnett, however, displayed more appreciation. "Finally, I can stop telling people that these socks were the dearest desire of my heart," she says, holding up a pair of hot pink socks with lace edging. "They're hideous. And now,  I have a way to tell my grandmother not to get them for me again next year."

Hastings is pleased by the recent sharp spike in interest in his product. "Of course people like it," he says confidently. "It's honest, it's frank, it's real. People like to know what others really think of their gifts."

Now that he has updated the thank-you note, Hastings is planning to move on to the get-well-soon letter, the birthday card, and the graduation invitation. "And after that - who knows?" he says. "But don't be surprised if one day you realize that your traditional eight pieces of silverware have been replaced by a single solitary spork. Now that's progress."

New Reality TV Show to Wow Viewers

Are you tired of the same old reality TV shows that can't seem to come up with any original ideas? Well The Reality Channel is about to fix that and make your world a better place. CEO of Reality Inc. has just issued a press release announcing the newest and most original reality show to air on the company's ever so popular channel. It will be called Keeping Up With America's Next Top Teen Mom. Catchy right?

This completely original, fresh, new show is projected to bring in millions and become the most popular reality show on the air. It will be completely real in every way, from the over-dramatized fights to the fact that there will be cameras monitoring real peoples lives, which of course is what happens in reality. Subjects are currently being hand-picked for their ability to act like an idiot on national television and to wake up with their makeup magically already on.

This show will appeal to viewers of all ages who feel the need to see their own lives in a better light. Though there is always the risk that they will begin to see their lives as boring and will then feel the need to get pregnant at 16 and get a lot of money by being on the show*.

So tune in on Friday nights at 10/9 central to watch real people live their dramatic, real lives!

*Reality Inc. is not responsible for any bad decisions you make in your life, though if they are bad enough, get in touch and you may just be our next big star.

Attention Mall Shoppers - New Escalators

Since none of us in our busy, hectic lives have the energy to climb those horrid creations called stairs, the local mall has come up with an ingenious solution. New Escalators from the sidewalk to mall doors to arrive soon.

Mall developers claim that this measure will save mall-goers an average of 100 calories each trip. Calories that they can then use for more important activities such as watching TV, yelling at other drivers in the mall parking lot, and eating cookies.

One mall frequenter was asked her opinion of the new additions and responded, "Well, y'all really know how to make our lives easier. I mean, those three or five steps are really unnecessary if you ask me."

Developers say that there will still be the traditional stairs next to the escalators for those "tree-hugging, granola-head hippies who like to exercise and try to make the rest of us feel bad."

Here is a picture of what these new life-savers will look like:

New Planet Just Wants Us to Go Away, Already

Houston, Texas - NASA's recent discovery of an earth-like planet has met with criticism from the planet's inhabitants, who have reportedly sent out messages begging earth to "Leave [them] the heck alone" and "just go away, already."

These aliens, called Keplerians after the planet they were found on, Kepler 22b, cite our destruction of our own environment as the reason for their reticence to meet us. "You ruined your ozone layer, chopped down millions of trees, polluted the oceans, and murdered hundreds of species - is it any wonder we don't want you here?" says the Keplerian leader, known only as Hal. "How many times do we have to say it? Go. Away."

Hal has recently organized protests against NASA's rovers, picketing satellites with messages such as "Keep Kepler, Keplerian" and "Kepler is Full. Go Home." He has announced plans to build a fence around the planet to keep out Earth immigrants and proclaims that absolutely, under no circumstances, will any Earthling be allowed to participate in the free Keplerian educational system.

NASA scientists refer to these developments as "interesting" and have announced plans for further research. "Their reactions are scientifically fascinating, if a bit cryptic," says Nathan Fromman, a leading expert in interplanetary relations. "We aren't entirely sure yet what they're trying to tell us, but we hope that we can collect enough data during our thirty year Keplerian research program to point us in the right direction."

Congress, In the Absence of Its Mother, Continues to Reclassify Foods as Vegetables

Washington, D.C. - In a follow-up to its recent classification of pizza sauce as a vegetable, Congress has declared potato chips and onion rings to be vegetables; fruit roll-ups, Skittles, Starburst, Fanta, strawberry ice cream, and anything with sprinkles to be fruits; and Reese's pieces, Cracker Jacks, and Twinkies to be proteins. It has also reclassified broccoli, beets, brussel sprouts, pomegranates, bananas, and tomatoes as junk food.

"We're hoping this will inspire children to eat healthier," said a congressman from Louisiana, who declined to be named. "We want to live in a world where all kids eat is fruits and veggies, and we think this is an important step towards making that dream a reality."

When asked how, exactly, a Twinkie qualifies as a protein, the congressman explains, "We figured that it must take a lot of strength to survive for as long as a Twinkie. Strength comes from muscles, and muscles are built up by protein, so obviously, Twinkies must have a high protein content."

Children everywhere rejoiced at the news, but their parents, strangely, seem reluctant to modify their meal plans. "I'm not sure what I think about the new food pyramid," says mother of three Jane Wilkinson, gesturing to a picture of the new pyramid, which advises kids to eat eight servings a day of fruits and vegetables such as pizza and Ding Dongs and as few as possible of junk food such as cauliflower and spinach. "I mean, my kids love it, but... I'm not entirely sold."

Nutritionist John Witherspoon is more blunt about his feelings. "It's horrific," he says. "Sure, it's a great idea - if you want to live in a world where our kids weigh over 300 lbs. I'm quitting tomorrow. I can't deal with a world where Twinkies are passed off as legitimate food. Have you ever seen a Twinkie? They're not natural."

Some speculate that the continued absence of Congress' mother is to blame for these changes. This mysterious absence was first noticed during the health care debates and has since caused alarm during the debt ceiling crisis and the budget negotiations. Congress, rejoicing in its new freedom, has also passed laws pushing bedtime back from 8 to 9 p.m., replacing C-Span with Sesame Street, and mandating that free popsicles be served at all neighborhood parks.