Rick Perry Endorses Perry the Platypus for President

Austin, Texas - Texas governor and former Republican presidential candidate Rick Perry shocked and delighted the country this morning when he revoked his endorsement of Newt Gingrich and bestowed it instead on beloved Disney Channel star Perry the Platypus.

Perry, who plays a supposedly harmless pet that lives a double life as butt-kicking Agent P on Disney's wildly popular show Phineas and Ferb, has rocketed through the polls after several stunning debate performances and a spectacularly popular live tour. If elected, he promises to extend summer vacation to 105 days, outlaw the heinous practice of "busting," and focus all his resources on outwitting the dastardly Dr. Doofenshmirtz once and for all.

When asked the reason for his surprise endorsement of Perry, Perry replied, "Well, I had all these 'Perry for President' bumper stickers, T-shirts, fridge magnets, bobble heads, keychains, mugs, shorts, hats, blankets, jackets, and posters, and it seemed a shame to let them go to waste. Besides, I've always wanted to see a Perry in the White House, and if it can't be me, who's better than a semi-aquatic egg-laying mammal of action?"

Perry is polling especially well among 7-12 year olds, whom his campaign managers cite as making up an important, though often overlooked, demographic. Third grader Lauren Hinkley says she supports Perry because "he's funny! Haha! Can I have a lollipop?"

Elsewhere in the country, Perry has gained renown for his distinguished military career as Agent P and devotion to preserving the Tri-State Area. "This country will be completely secure with Perry at the helm," said Perry in his endorsement speech. "I mean, did you see the way he took out the Shrinkinator? He could totally destroy Iran."

Perry's flawless debate performances are also taking Americans by storm. Because he is incapable of speech, Perry relies on three printed placards to express his opinion - an American flag, a Nobama sign, and a really, really cute picture of a puppy. "For a minute there, I was worried that he didn't know how to deal with the housing market, but then he held up the puppy and I was just like, 'Awwww!' " remembers enamored audience member Vanessa Platts. "Ohmygosh, did you see its eyes? They were so cute! And its little paws... Wait, what was I talking about again?"

Perry has dedicated his vast campaign fund to Perry, who is also benefitting from the assistance of the Disney empire and the Fireside Girls PAC. His ads have become viral hits on Youtube, especially one depicting Perry, as Agent P, taking down Dr. Doofenshmirtz's diabolical Obaminator, which is threatening to destroy the Tri-State Area through its abominable socialist acts. The ad ends with Perry's now-famous slogan: "Perry the Platypus: Taking Back the Tri-State Area, and Now America."

"Sure, I guess Perry would be a good president," says Perry's owner, Phineas Flynn. "And if not, well, I mean, it's understandable. He's a platypus. They don't do much."

Congress Sells its Soul to Wikipedia in Exchange for an End to Blackout

Washington, D.C. - The now-infamous Wikipedia blackout ended this morning when Congress agreed to sell its soul in exchange for access to the world's premier source of useless information.

The blackout was originally conceived as a protest against the Stop Online Piracy Act (SOPA) and the Protect Intellectual Property Act (PIPA). These bills attempted to curtail online copyright infringement by requiring websites to police contributed material and block suspect sites. Beginning at midnight Eastern time on Tuesday, January 17, the English Wikipedia homepage was replaced with a haunting black background, and the only articles available were those about SOPA and PIPA.

The dire consequences of this blackout quickly became apparent. "I couldn't function," says shell-shocked college student Lauren Kim. "It was like the world was ending. I couldn't write my term paper, I couldn't study for my history final, I couldn't look up the winner of American Idol in 2006, I couldn't prove to my roommate that the sky is actually pink on Mars... I couldn't do anything."

"It was absolutely the worst thing that's ever happened to me," testifies graphic designer Scott Winterfield, who is currently among the many being treated for post traumatic stress disorder associated with the blackout. "Thinking about it makes me feel like I'm back there again... Cut off from everything..." He shudders. "I - I can't talk about it anymore. If SOPA passes, and Wikipedia shuts down again, I don't even think life will be worth living."

The massive uproar surrounding the event some are calling Wikipocalypse quickly drew the attention of Congress. "We knew people weren't happy, but we didn't know they were this unhappy," says harassed representative Lamar Smith, the original author of SOPA, who has been branded by Wikipedia's supporters as evil incarnate. "I'm sorry, okay? Can you please stop adding devil horns to all my Facebook pictures now?"

The blackout was originally scheduled to last just twenty-four hours, but as midnight Wednesday passed and the black background remained stubbornly immovable, it quickly became apparent that it would not be lifted in the near future. Congress called an emergency session and vowed to do something about killing SOPA and PIPA, as soon as they could search Wikipedia for an article about how to kill SOPA and PIPA. This wasn't good enough for Wikipedia, which forced Congress to pass a balanced budget, formulate a bipartisan healthcare bill, fix the tax code and the education system, give up their firstborn children, and finally sell their own souls before they would agree to lift the blackout.

"At first, we wanted to protect free speech and liberty, blah blah blah, but then we figured, why stop?" says Jimmy Wales, co-founder of Wikipedia, with a devious smile. "If we could revoke one bill, why not two? Why not all of them? Why not rewrite the entire Constitution, while we're at it?"

"For now, we're good with Congress' souls and all these firstborn children, but they won't last forever," he continues with an even more devious smile. "I won't give away any specifics, but let's just say that 'Supreme Ruler of the Universe' could soon become an actual title. Oh, and we're going to need someone to rewrite the article on democracy. Who needs elections when you can bend an entire country to your will with a few lines of HTML?"

When asked their opinion of Wikipedia's future plans, Congress immediately passed a bill jumpstarting construction of a Wikitemple to the Wikigods and announced plans to begin regular human sacrifices to appease the wrath of those responsible for the Wikipocalypse.

Area Teen Sleeps Through Four Straight Days of School

Sugar Land, TX - Senior Mike Larson recently set a record for the least time spent awake in class by sleeping through four straight days of school.

According to friends, Larson spent a solid fifty minutes of each period sound asleep. When the bell rang, he would shuffle, zombie-like, down the hall to his next class, where he would promptly collapse once more.

"I tried everything to wake him up, but nothing worked," says Larson's exasperated history teacher, John Harding. "I rapped a yardstick on his desk, called on him for every question, got neighboring students to shake him, shined a flashlight in his face, threw a dodgeball at his head... That kid was out."

"It's pretty impressive, actually," he adds. "I haven't seen a student that determined since Stephanie Peawater insisted on taking every test sitting on the floor."

Larson's parents expressed surprise when told of their son's lengthy hibernation. "He hasn't been staying up any later than normal," says his mother, Helen Larson. "He goes to bed at nine every night. And he sleeps from the time he gets home until I call him down for dinner... How can one person sleep for that long?"

Larson could not be woken up for comment.

Sarah Palin Wins Iowa Caucus

Des Moines, Iowa - The Iowa caucus this year continued its trend of turning out surprising winners by nominating Sarah Palin as its Republican presidential candidate of choice.

The Iowa caucus is traditionally the first caucus held and often gives black horse candidates a needed boost of momentum and fundraising.

Palin, who never announced a bid for the presidency, says the win is "surprising, considering that I wasn't exactly running, but nice. I guess America has spoken." She plans to begin thinking about considering a presidential run in the near future.

Iowan Paul Ruthers cites Palin's record as a defender of the people as the reason behind his choice. "I just thought, you know, Palin really gets us. She knows what we want, and she can give it to us. Palin 2012!"

"Besides," he adds, "who else was I supposed to vote for? Romney? Hah. Not likely."

11 Things About 2011 That Didn't Completely Suck

2011 was a year of spectacular failures - the BP blowout, Charlie Sheen, various Republican presidential candidates, and practically of all Europe went out with a bang. But, despite everything we complained about this year, some parts of 2011 weren't entirely terrible. Here, we take a look back at 11 things about 2011 that actually had a few redeeming qualities.

1. Cake Balls - Alright, alright, these were probably actually invented in Mesopotamia thousands  of years ago, but they really came into their own in 2011. And thank goodness they did - who can say no to balls of cake, rolled in icing, on a stick? Pure deliciousness.

2. The Absent Apocalypse - The world, obviously, did not end on May 21 or October 21, leaving us all free to eat, drink, and be merry for a whole year more before December 21, 2012 (what is it with all these 21's, anyway? It's as if the apocalypse was actually just a game of blackjack gone wrong).

3. The Last Harry Potter Movie - Okay, it wasn't perfect (Voldemort's ridiculously anticlimactic death? Really?), but ohmygosh Neville! And Professor McGonagall! And Snape! And Mrs. Weasley dueling Bellatrix! And the most awkward movie hug of all time! The epic conclusion to the Harry Potter saga was just that - epic.

4. Blackbeard's Sword - Just in time for the new Pirates of the Carribean movie. Wonder if Johnny Depp was invited along to see the grand reveal?

5. The Seventh Billion Baby - Let's forget about overcrowding and limited resources for a minute and focus on the fact that this planet now holds seven billion people. Isn't that kind of incredible? Plus, as we all know, seven is the most powerfully magic number, so seven billion must be a billion times more magical than seven. You know what that means - someone is going to be getting a letter from Hogwarts...

6. The Chilean Miners - Thirty-three men rescued from the bowels of the earth after being trapped underground for 69 days. What's not wonderful about this?

7. The Arab Spring - Freedom! Liberty! Free speech! Peaceful (or not-so-peaceful) protest! The Arab Spring gave us confidence in young people, oppressed nations, and, strangely, Twitter. The bravery of these protestors points to a brighter future for all of us.

8. Community - The episode that comes to mind is the one with six alternate timelines, although the glee club brainwashings and the paintball battle were also hilarious. Because this list is about happy things, I am determined not to mention the great injustice that culminated in this wonderful show being removed from the air next year. Sigh...
9. This

10. Man Beats Computer at Jeopardy - Watson was finally dethroned by Rush Holt Jr., alleviating fears that robots will soon become self-aware and rise up to destroy humanity. They may be able to process information much faster than us, perform incredibly precise surgery, and cook dinner, but as long as we can still beat them at game shows, they can't get the better of us.

11. Sherlock Holmes - Because I'm going to be Irene when I grow up.

Area Teen Submits All College Apps Less than Five Minutes Before Deadline

Sugar Land, Texas - High school senior Mark Miller has completed eight college applications, starting six the day they were due and submitting all eight less than five minutes before their respective deadline.

Miller cites homework and extracurriculars as the reason behind his tardiness. "I'm just too busy to fill out these long forms," he says. "I don't know when colleges expect us to write 500 word essays and do homework for one AP class and practice for junior varsity baseball season and bag groceries for three hours a week. It's not humanly possible."

"I don't do it on purpose, or to torture my parents or anything," he continues. "It stresses me out just as much as it stresses them out. But I mean, when am I supposed to do it?"

Miller's parents are confused as to how Miller managed to accomplish absolutely nothing on his applications despite working on them almost constantly. "I don't know what he does up there in front of his computer," says his mother. "He tells us he's working on college apps, and yet, December 31st arrives, and he hasn't written a single word on any of his essays. Can a person really have writer's block for six months straight?"

Classmates of Miller hold to the belief that Miller was simply too busy working on college apps to work on college apps. "It's a common issue," explains senior Ruthie Kim. "You spend all your time thinking about college apps, talking about college apps, and planning for college apps, so when you actually sit down to work on them, you realize you don't have any time left. It's confusing, but it happens to the best of us."

Miller's friend Ben Nelson expresses sympathy for Miller's plight. "I know just how he feels," he says. "When I started my applications back in July, I was worried I wouldn't have time for all the essays along with my seven AP classes, three club presidencies, and role as band drum major. But somehow, I got through it." Nelson's tardiest application was submitted a full two weeks in advance of the deadline, and most were submitted more than a month early.

When questioned about his miraculous achievements in League of Legends and Call of Duty over the past few months, Miller declined to respond.

Thanks-a-Lot Letters Replace Traditional Thank-You Letters

Trenton, New Jersey - Sometimes, old traditions are in need of an update. Anyway, that's what twenty-two year old Trevor Hastings thought when he decided to revamp the much-maligned thank-you note. Hastings has replaced the template used for decades with his own, more modern translation, brimming with twenty-first century irony and sarcasm. See template below (we have filled in the blanks with an example from Hastings):

Dear (Aunt Sally):

Thanks a lot for the (sweater). I definitely enjoyed the fact that it was (itchy), (ugly), and (made of the fur of dead cats). I'm sure it will come in handy (during the apocalypse, when the zombies will be too stunned by its ugliness to attack). It was really great of you to think of me. No, really.

Again, thanks a lot,
(Trevor Hastings)

"I think the time of the traditional thank-you note is past," says Hastings of his modern-day note. "It's time to move on into the future. People don't want all that fluff and nonsense about how puce green is your favorite color and you're going to use that eighteenth set of china for the rest of your life. They want the truth. And with my thanks-a-lot note, you can give it to them, in true twenty-first century style."

Famed columnist Miss Manners is less enthusiastic. "It is, quite frankly, rude," she says of the thanks-a-lot note. "I won't abide by all this nonsense the young people are putting out nowadays. Whatever happened to old-fashioned gratitude?"

Teenager Grace Barnett, however, displayed more appreciation. "Finally, I can stop telling people that these socks were the dearest desire of my heart," she says, holding up a pair of hot pink socks with lace edging. "They're hideous. And now,  I have a way to tell my grandmother not to get them for me again next year."

Hastings is pleased by the recent sharp spike in interest in his product. "Of course people like it," he says confidently. "It's honest, it's frank, it's real. People like to know what others really think of their gifts."

Now that he has updated the thank-you note, Hastings is planning to move on to the get-well-soon letter, the birthday card, and the graduation invitation. "And after that - who knows?" he says. "But don't be surprised if one day you realize that your traditional eight pieces of silverware have been replaced by a single solitary spork. Now that's progress."