11 Things About 2011 That Didn't Completely Suck

2011 was a year of spectacular failures - the BP blowout, Charlie Sheen, various Republican presidential candidates, and practically of all Europe went out with a bang. But, despite everything we complained about this year, some parts of 2011 weren't entirely terrible. Here, we take a look back at 11 things about 2011 that actually had a few redeeming qualities.

1. Cake Balls - Alright, alright, these were probably actually invented in Mesopotamia thousands  of years ago, but they really came into their own in 2011. And thank goodness they did - who can say no to balls of cake, rolled in icing, on a stick? Pure deliciousness.

2. The Absent Apocalypse - The world, obviously, did not end on May 21 or October 21, leaving us all free to eat, drink, and be merry for a whole year more before December 21, 2012 (what is it with all these 21's, anyway? It's as if the apocalypse was actually just a game of blackjack gone wrong).

3. The Last Harry Potter Movie - Okay, it wasn't perfect (Voldemort's ridiculously anticlimactic death? Really?), but ohmygosh Neville! And Professor McGonagall! And Snape! And Mrs. Weasley dueling Bellatrix! And the most awkward movie hug of all time! The epic conclusion to the Harry Potter saga was just that - epic.

4. Blackbeard's Sword - Just in time for the new Pirates of the Carribean movie. Wonder if Johnny Depp was invited along to see the grand reveal?

5. The Seventh Billion Baby - Let's forget about overcrowding and limited resources for a minute and focus on the fact that this planet now holds seven billion people. Isn't that kind of incredible? Plus, as we all know, seven is the most powerfully magic number, so seven billion must be a billion times more magical than seven. You know what that means - someone is going to be getting a letter from Hogwarts...

6. The Chilean Miners - Thirty-three men rescued from the bowels of the earth after being trapped underground for 69 days. What's not wonderful about this?

7. The Arab Spring - Freedom! Liberty! Free speech! Peaceful (or not-so-peaceful) protest! The Arab Spring gave us confidence in young people, oppressed nations, and, strangely, Twitter. The bravery of these protestors points to a brighter future for all of us.

8. Community - The episode that comes to mind is the one with six alternate timelines, although the glee club brainwashings and the paintball battle were also hilarious. Because this list is about happy things, I am determined not to mention the great injustice that culminated in this wonderful show being removed from the air next year. Sigh...
9. This

10. Man Beats Computer at Jeopardy - Watson was finally dethroned by Rush Holt Jr., alleviating fears that robots will soon become self-aware and rise up to destroy humanity. They may be able to process information much faster than us, perform incredibly precise surgery, and cook dinner, but as long as we can still beat them at game shows, they can't get the better of us.

11. Sherlock Holmes - Because I'm going to be Irene when I grow up.

Area Teen Submits All College Apps Less than Five Minutes Before Deadline

Sugar Land, Texas - High school senior Mark Miller has completed eight college applications, starting six the day they were due and submitting all eight less than five minutes before their respective deadline.

Miller cites homework and extracurriculars as the reason behind his tardiness. "I'm just too busy to fill out these long forms," he says. "I don't know when colleges expect us to write 500 word essays and do homework for one AP class and practice for junior varsity baseball season and bag groceries for three hours a week. It's not humanly possible."

"I don't do it on purpose, or to torture my parents or anything," he continues. "It stresses me out just as much as it stresses them out. But I mean, when am I supposed to do it?"

Miller's parents are confused as to how Miller managed to accomplish absolutely nothing on his applications despite working on them almost constantly. "I don't know what he does up there in front of his computer," says his mother. "He tells us he's working on college apps, and yet, December 31st arrives, and he hasn't written a single word on any of his essays. Can a person really have writer's block for six months straight?"

Classmates of Miller hold to the belief that Miller was simply too busy working on college apps to work on college apps. "It's a common issue," explains senior Ruthie Kim. "You spend all your time thinking about college apps, talking about college apps, and planning for college apps, so when you actually sit down to work on them, you realize you don't have any time left. It's confusing, but it happens to the best of us."

Miller's friend Ben Nelson expresses sympathy for Miller's plight. "I know just how he feels," he says. "When I started my applications back in July, I was worried I wouldn't have time for all the essays along with my seven AP classes, three club presidencies, and role as band drum major. But somehow, I got through it." Nelson's tardiest application was submitted a full two weeks in advance of the deadline, and most were submitted more than a month early.

When questioned about his miraculous achievements in League of Legends and Call of Duty over the past few months, Miller declined to respond.

Thanks-a-Lot Letters Replace Traditional Thank-You Letters

Trenton, New Jersey - Sometimes, old traditions are in need of an update. Anyway, that's what twenty-two year old Trevor Hastings thought when he decided to revamp the much-maligned thank-you note. Hastings has replaced the template used for decades with his own, more modern translation, brimming with twenty-first century irony and sarcasm. See template below (we have filled in the blanks with an example from Hastings):

Dear (Aunt Sally):

Thanks a lot for the (sweater). I definitely enjoyed the fact that it was (itchy), (ugly), and (made of the fur of dead cats). I'm sure it will come in handy (during the apocalypse, when the zombies will be too stunned by its ugliness to attack). It was really great of you to think of me. No, really.

Again, thanks a lot,
(Trevor Hastings)

"I think the time of the traditional thank-you note is past," says Hastings of his modern-day note. "It's time to move on into the future. People don't want all that fluff and nonsense about how puce green is your favorite color and you're going to use that eighteenth set of china for the rest of your life. They want the truth. And with my thanks-a-lot note, you can give it to them, in true twenty-first century style."

Famed columnist Miss Manners is less enthusiastic. "It is, quite frankly, rude," she says of the thanks-a-lot note. "I won't abide by all this nonsense the young people are putting out nowadays. Whatever happened to old-fashioned gratitude?"

Teenager Grace Barnett, however, displayed more appreciation. "Finally, I can stop telling people that these socks were the dearest desire of my heart," she says, holding up a pair of hot pink socks with lace edging. "They're hideous. And now,  I have a way to tell my grandmother not to get them for me again next year."

Hastings is pleased by the recent sharp spike in interest in his product. "Of course people like it," he says confidently. "It's honest, it's frank, it's real. People like to know what others really think of their gifts."

Now that he has updated the thank-you note, Hastings is planning to move on to the get-well-soon letter, the birthday card, and the graduation invitation. "And after that - who knows?" he says. "But don't be surprised if one day you realize that your traditional eight pieces of silverware have been replaced by a single solitary spork. Now that's progress."

New Reality TV Show to Wow Viewers

Are you tired of the same old reality TV shows that can't seem to come up with any original ideas? Well The Reality Channel is about to fix that and make your world a better place. CEO of Reality Inc. has just issued a press release announcing the newest and most original reality show to air on the company's ever so popular channel. It will be called Keeping Up With America's Next Top Teen Mom. Catchy right?

This completely original, fresh, new show is projected to bring in millions and become the most popular reality show on the air. It will be completely real in every way, from the over-dramatized fights to the fact that there will be cameras monitoring real peoples lives, which of course is what happens in reality. Subjects are currently being hand-picked for their ability to act like an idiot on national television and to wake up with their makeup magically already on.

This show will appeal to viewers of all ages who feel the need to see their own lives in a better light. Though there is always the risk that they will begin to see their lives as boring and will then feel the need to get pregnant at 16 and get a lot of money by being on the show*.

So tune in on Friday nights at 10/9 central to watch real people live their dramatic, real lives!

*Reality Inc. is not responsible for any bad decisions you make in your life, though if they are bad enough, get in touch and you may just be our next big star.

Attention Mall Shoppers - New Escalators

Since none of us in our busy, hectic lives have the energy to climb those horrid creations called stairs, the local mall has come up with an ingenious solution. New Escalators from the sidewalk to mall doors to arrive soon.

Mall developers claim that this measure will save mall-goers an average of 100 calories each trip. Calories that they can then use for more important activities such as watching TV, yelling at other drivers in the mall parking lot, and eating cookies.

One mall frequenter was asked her opinion of the new additions and responded, "Well, y'all really know how to make our lives easier. I mean, those three or five steps are really unnecessary if you ask me."

Developers say that there will still be the traditional stairs next to the escalators for those "tree-hugging, granola-head hippies who like to exercise and try to make the rest of us feel bad."

Here is a picture of what these new life-savers will look like:

New Planet Just Wants Us to Go Away, Already

Houston, Texas - NASA's recent discovery of an earth-like planet has met with criticism from the planet's inhabitants, who have reportedly sent out messages begging earth to "Leave [them] the heck alone" and "just go away, already."

These aliens, called Keplerians after the planet they were found on, Kepler 22b, cite our destruction of our own environment as the reason for their reticence to meet us. "You ruined your ozone layer, chopped down millions of trees, polluted the oceans, and murdered hundreds of species - is it any wonder we don't want you here?" says the Keplerian leader, known only as Hal. "How many times do we have to say it? Go. Away."

Hal has recently organized protests against NASA's rovers, picketing satellites with messages such as "Keep Kepler, Keplerian" and "Kepler is Full. Go Home." He has announced plans to build a fence around the planet to keep out Earth immigrants and proclaims that absolutely, under no circumstances, will any Earthling be allowed to participate in the free Keplerian educational system.

NASA scientists refer to these developments as "interesting" and have announced plans for further research. "Their reactions are scientifically fascinating, if a bit cryptic," says Nathan Fromman, a leading expert in interplanetary relations. "We aren't entirely sure yet what they're trying to tell us, but we hope that we can collect enough data during our thirty year Keplerian research program to point us in the right direction."

Congress, In the Absence of Its Mother, Continues to Reclassify Foods as Vegetables

Washington, D.C. - In a follow-up to its recent classification of pizza sauce as a vegetable, Congress has declared potato chips and onion rings to be vegetables; fruit roll-ups, Skittles, Starburst, Fanta, strawberry ice cream, and anything with sprinkles to be fruits; and Reese's pieces, Cracker Jacks, and Twinkies to be proteins. It has also reclassified broccoli, beets, brussel sprouts, pomegranates, bananas, and tomatoes as junk food.

"We're hoping this will inspire children to eat healthier," said a congressman from Louisiana, who declined to be named. "We want to live in a world where all kids eat is fruits and veggies, and we think this is an important step towards making that dream a reality."

When asked how, exactly, a Twinkie qualifies as a protein, the congressman explains, "We figured that it must take a lot of strength to survive for as long as a Twinkie. Strength comes from muscles, and muscles are built up by protein, so obviously, Twinkies must have a high protein content."

Children everywhere rejoiced at the news, but their parents, strangely, seem reluctant to modify their meal plans. "I'm not sure what I think about the new food pyramid," says mother of three Jane Wilkinson, gesturing to a picture of the new pyramid, which advises kids to eat eight servings a day of fruits and vegetables such as pizza and Ding Dongs and as few as possible of junk food such as cauliflower and spinach. "I mean, my kids love it, but... I'm not entirely sold."

Nutritionist John Witherspoon is more blunt about his feelings. "It's horrific," he says. "Sure, it's a great idea - if you want to live in a world where our kids weigh over 300 lbs. I'm quitting tomorrow. I can't deal with a world where Twinkies are passed off as legitimate food. Have you ever seen a Twinkie? They're not natural."

Some speculate that the continued absence of Congress' mother is to blame for these changes. This mysterious absence was first noticed during the health care debates and has since caused alarm during the debt ceiling crisis and the budget negotiations. Congress, rejoicing in its new freedom, has also passed laws pushing bedtime back from 8 to 9 p.m., replacing C-Span with Sesame Street, and mandating that free popsicles be served at all neighborhood parks.

Why Fine Arts Should Be Banned From Schools

In this day in age, we all know the true threat to our future as a country is the alarming number of stellar test takers in China and India that increasingly show up our hopelessly average children. Why is this? Because we have for too long allowed our children to be distracted by trivial things such as music, art, and dance. These are not important in life and therefore should be banned from schools throughout the nation. Is this a bit harsh? Perhaps, but that is what we need.

We must outnumber the crazies who seem to think that the arts are just as important as math and science, and think that they benefit kids and help them “grow as human beings.” Utter nonsense. Our children must learn all the facts in the world if we are to have a chance against other countries. They do not need “culture” or “beauty” or to “learn to see the world differently.” They need to be geniuses with absolute focus and determination.

Since of course all sane people agree with me, let us scoff at the foolishness of a few radical liberals who wrote this essay supporting the arts:

Imagine that your entire childhood has been centered on the arts. What you want to do with your life has been clear to you since you were ten – pursue your dream and become an artist or musician or actor or whatever your passion may be. Or even imagine that you are just a normal child who participates in various activities, one of which happens to be a fine art that you love. Then one year you get the crushing news that your school has chosen to cut the arts program that you are in. Anyone would be devastated, wouldn’t you? Historically, when schools have faced budget cuts, fine arts programs have often been the first to go. Even in more prosperous times, fine arts funding is sometimes funneled into math, science, and other “core” subjects because the arts are not seen as being essential. However, this lack of arts education hurts children more than it helps them. Fine arts programs should not be cut because doing so deprives children of an essential quality of humanity: the ability to appreciate beauty, to be creative, and to express themselves.

As fear of China and India's stellar test-takers grows, American schools often abandon the "useless" creative pursuits in favor of more math and science. Many directors and teachers of the arts find their jobs and security in jeopardy because schools do not want to spend the money it takes to run these programs. And that is often without a budget crisis like some districts have recently found themselves in. It is sad and, quite honestly, disappointing that the fine arts are so often deemed frivolous and unnecessary – a luxury few can afford. This view that fine arts are not essential to education could not be farther from the truth. Children who take music or drama learn more creative thought processes that can help them think outside the box, something that will help them for the rest of their lives, no matter what profession they go into. Children educated in the arts have been proven to receive a fuller, richer, rounder education that better prepares them to become productive members of society. On top of that, there have been studies that show that kids involved in the arts often receive higher scores on standardized tests.

The question of fine arts funding is, at its deepest level, a question of what we as humans value most. Do we want to raise a generation of rote memorizers, of testing machines, of children who can produce the right answer but can never truly analyze it; or would we rather nurture creativity and imagination? The soul does not thrive on plain, dry facts – it thrives on beauty, on art, on music. Without fine arts programs, schoolchildren may have more time to learn math and science, but this time may come only at the cost of forsaking that which is necessary to maintain our humanity. School should not be for teaching children what to think, it should be for teaching them how to think for themselves. Even the simplest of machines can compute the what, but only the human brain is sophisticated enough to determine the why. Without arts programs children are not taught to explore the crucial why. Society can cram facts into a child’s brain very easily, but then these kids are simply products of what adults have told them, not of what they themselves have figured out by observing the more intangible and deep aspects of life.  Without the arts, they learn to be nothing but machines, robots even.

Far from leading to a downturn in math and science skills, fine arts can actually improve test scores while also teaching children creative skills. The arts' value lies in their ability to help us see the things in life that otherwise would be invisible; things that, if we are taught purely logic, we will never be able to fully appreciate. Life is made up of more than just facts and absolutes. It also contains those things that are abstract, that center on feelings and emotions. The question of fine arts funding in public schools is extremely important not only to our children’s futures, but to the future of our country and of the human race as a whole. The arts are essential because they enable us to see past what is immediately in front of us to what is inside of us. They remind us of what makes us human.

I simply could not stop laughing at the ridiculousness of this essay, as I’m sure all of you could not either. We must band together to stop these ideas and insure our future as a country, a future that must be rooted in math and science if we are to retain our status as the most powerful country on earth.

Area Student Receives Award for Membership in 30 School Clubs

Senior at Clements High School, Lisa Smith, received on Thursday an award she has been aiming for her entire high school career, the Award of Highest Honor for Club Membership, a prestigious award given to one senior every year who has been a part of the most school clubs/honor societies. The purpose of this honor is to encourage students to get involved in as many clubs as possible because, as we all know, there is simply no point in applying to college unless one has been a member of at least 10 different clubs and had at least 8 leadership positions.

Ms. Smith is a member of Habitat for Humanity, Red Cross club, Students for Christ, Students Against Destructive Decisions, Philosophy club, Students of the world, Student Union, Debate club, Hindi Club, DECA, Japanese Club, Asian Cultural Exchange Club, Student Council, NHS, Spanish, Hebrew, Art, Music, and English honor societies, Model UN, Clements Earth, and that club that plants trees, along with many others. She is the President of five of those, Secretary of three, treasurer of four, social officer of two, and self-proclaimed uber-involved-member of the rest. Oh, and she is also the Senior Class President.

When asked how she handles the responsibility of all these clubs along with her 7 AP classes, she explained, “Well, you see, you don’t actually have to go to all the meetings for most of these clubs, so I only go to the ones that are important. I mean, they’re all important of course, but a lot of them everyone just joins to say that they are in it, so since everyone else does it, so do I.”

We asked her what her favorite club was, she responded, “Oh, definitely Red Cross because I can get so many volunteer hours that are really easy…um, I mean, I really like the warm fuzzy feeling I get when I know I am helping the less fortunate.”

Smith plans on attending either the University of Chicago, Duke University, or UT Austin, and explains that the only reason she even bothered to apply to these prestigious institutions was because she knew they would like all her extra-curricular activities.

“I knew I would stand out from the hoard of other smart people who would be applying because I am, in comparison, well-rounded.” she explained, “Did you know that some people choose to focus on just a few clubs that they really care about instead of being smart and joining them all? Community College for them I suppose.”

The Five Types of People You Will Meet in the Mall Parking Lot

As everyone who has recently attempted a trip to the mall knows, the number of insane drivers in the mall parking lot increases proportionally with proximity to Christmas. This is a list of the five types of drivers you are likely to meet if you choose to risk your life for a last-minute trip to Macy's.

1. The Stressed Parent - This driver is easily recognizable for her enormous minivan, hyper elf-like passengers, and generally exhausted appearance. She have been awake since five in the morning pouring cereal for sticky toddlers and can't look forward to a nap anytime soon. Her back seat is usually piled high with presents their kids have wheedled her into buying, thus blocking her rearview mirror and ensuring that she will attempt to hit everything around her while backing out of a parking space. If you cut her off, she will sigh deeply and probably fall asleep on their steering wheel while her kids sing Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer loudly and off-key from the back seat.

2. The College Kid - This driver does not appear until a week before Christmas, when he descends upon the mall with a vengeance. He will most likely have eight other college kids in the car with him because none of them can be bothered to buy their own gas. If you are lucky, he will have been kind enough to turn up his bass loud enough for you to enjoy his music along with him. Fortunately, because this driver is most likely broke and bored, he will mostly likely spend hours at the mall, looking for bargains and drinking coffee ironically. This ensures that you will most likely not ever get his parking space. If you cut him off, this driver will probably attempt to hit you.

3. The Cell Phone Addict - This driver is too busy gabbing away to notice anything on the road. Her conversation is too important to be interrupted for little things like traffic lights or other drivers. If you are especially lucky, this driver will also be prone to texting, so she could have an entire wreck and not even know it. She is easily recognized by her obliviousness to everything going on around her. If you cut her off, this driver will complain to her friend about you, assuming she noticed you were there in the first place.

4. The Ball of Rage - This driver is remarkable for his ability to be angry at anything and anyone. He will scream at you and make rude hand gestures whether you take his parking place, forget to yield at a stop sign, or offer him a bunch of roses. Those who are unlucky enough to cross him may wonder why he has skipped his anger management class to go to the mall and buy Christmas presents, when he is obviously lacking the Christmas spirit. However, the fact that his face is permanently red is doubtless an effort to decorate for the holidays and must therefore be respected. If you cut this driver off, his head will explode from fury.

5. The Cautious One - This driver takes patience as a virtue to a whole new level. She never drives more than ten miles below the speed limit, even in the parking lot, where the speed limit is 15 mph. If you are stuck behind her, congratulations - you will be stuck there for a long time. It is unclear whether she is a ridiculously safe driver or just enjoys making other people's lives miserable. Recent evidence, such as her tendency to leave her left blinker on for no reason, twenty second waiting period at stopsigns, and obsessive-compulsive need to straighten out her parking twelve times in a row, points to the latter. If you cut off this driver, she will be going so slowly that she will not have to stop at all, and you can rest easy that you have escaped the terrible fate of inching along behind her for the next hour until you reach a two-lane road.

Proposed Bill Forbids Educated Young College Students from Voting

Concord, New Hampshire - A new bill proposed by lawmakers in states such as New Hampshire, Ohio, and North Carolina would require voters or their parents to have previously established residency in the town they plan to vote in, effectively preventing college students living away from home from exercising their constitutional rights.

New Hampshire House Speaker William O'Brien cites the "foolish[ness]" of college students as the reason he supports this bill. He also derides their tendency towards "voting as liberal[s]. That's what kids do. They don't have life experience, and they just vote their feelings."

Concord resident Jim Oakley wholeheartedly agrees with O'Brien. "These darn kids don't know what they're doing," he says, shaking his head sadly. "They're just not smart enough to understand what goes on in the world. I don't want the same kids who spend day and night twittering about what they had for breakfast deciding who's going to be the next president."

"Back in my day, we couldn't vote until we were twenty-one," continues Oakley. "Then that blasted Johnson man decided to open it up to high schoolers. Worst decision he ever made. I mean, they're just plain ignorant."

Oakley is referring to the twenty-sixth amendment, which was ratified in 1971, during Richard Nixon's presidency.

Dartmouth political science major Claire Matthews recently held a rally to protest the controversial bill. "I understand O'Brien's concern that college students, as temporary residents, will not have the same level of concern about New Hampshire that permanent residents do, but I don't see that as reason enough to deny us our right to vote," she says seriously. "I'm from Massachusetts, but I've lived in New Hampshire for nearly three years, and after I graduate, I'm hoping to get a job clerking for a congressman in Concord and eventually run for the state legislature myself. I care about New Hampshire as much as anyone."

"At the end of the day, we're voting to change our future, too, not just O'Brien's," says Matthews, who has a 4.0 G.P.A. and is currently ranked second in her class. "We should have a chance to make our voices heard. I don't understand how someone who professes to defend the Constitution can justify taking away our constitutional rights."

When asked if she routinely votes as a liberal, Matthews reacts with surprise. "I don't routinely vote anything," she says. "I consider both sides of an issue before I decide. For instance, someone asked me where I stood on the idea of free trade with China, and I realized I didn't know much about it, so this semester, I'm taking a class on diplomacy in foreign trade agreements. It's fascinating. I never realized how nuanced these treaties are."

"Besides," she continues, "if we do vote liberal, it shouldn't matter. You can't shut out an entire block of voters because they don't agree with you. The point of democracy is giving everyone a say - young and old, liberal and conservative. That's the principle our country was founded on."

In New Hampshire, the bill has been defeated for now, but it is expected to be reconsidered in January, leaving plenty of time before the November election to change the voting laws.

(Note: This article refers to a real bill being seriously considered in  several states, including New Hampshire. Claire Matthews and Jim Oakley are fictional creations, but William O'Brien is a real person, and the quotes from him are legitimate. The bill was defeated 13-5 in March, but lawmakers say voter residency remains a concern, and measures similar to those in the bill will be reconsidered in January.)

Interviewer Decides to Just Make Up Questions

Sugar Land, Texas - To the consternation of high school students interviewing for college, State University alumni interviewer Brad Husly has forgone the traditional interview template in favor of his own unique questions.

Whereas old interviewees might have been asked what their favorite high school class was or why they wanted to attend State University, Husly's new interviewees now have to ponder the difference between llamas and alpacas and why, exactly, the word 'pterodactyl' contains a 'p'.

"I got tired of hearing students repeat ad nauseam their essays and resumes. State University already has that on file - they shouldn't need me to write it down all over again," says Husly in explanation of his controversial new tactics. "I just thought, you know, what State University really needs to know is, can these kids think? And my questions are much better suited to figuring that out."

Husly takes pride in never asking the same question twice. Since he first changed his approach seven months ago, he has interviewed twenty-eight students, all of whom unhesitatingly place the interview as among their most memorable. "He asked me why tables had legs but no knees," says senior Megan Williams of her interview last week, paling at the memory. "I was like, are you crazy? But I couldn't just walk out on him - that would be rude. Long story short, apparently, during the last age of furniture, the table god cursed tables to be forever jointless."

Husly's interviews are also unique in that they last an unprecedented amount of time. Williams' interview took nearly three hours. "Mostly that was because I couldn't figure out how to articulate the purpose of a slanket," says Megan. "I mean, have you ever seen a slanket? They don't have a purpose!"

State University officials insist that Husly's filed reports are perfectly normal and contain nothing out of the ordinary. "He writes the same nonsense as the rest of them - polite, firm handshake, nice teeth, etc, etc," says one admissions officer. "I almost wish he would write down their answers to his supposedly unorthodox questions - it would be so much more interesting than reading a resume all over again."

"Well, of course I don't write my actual questions down on the reports!" says a shocked Husly. "I don't want to get fired!" When asked if he just makes up all the stuff he writes down, then, he protests, "No - I mean, not exactly... And what does it matter, anyway? As long as you don't turn out to be an alien or something, the interview isn't really going to matter."

Williams, when told that her answers to Husly's questions were not reported to State University, responded with a mixture of relief and outrage. "I mean, on the one hand, if they did read my answers, they would think I was part of some weird furniture cult that worships chair arms and slankets. But on the other, that means that I could have not shown up at all and still gotten the same consideration. I can't believe I just wasted three hours of my life," she sighs, annoyed.

Husly continues to affirm that he is not trying to ruin his interviewee's lives. "I'm not doing this because I hate kids," he says. "I'm doing it because I think the interview process has gotten out of control. I'm protesting the establishment, as it were."

"But, yeah," he adds, "on an unrelated note, I do actually hate kids. Sorry."

Area Teen Applies to 28 Schools

Sugar Land, TX - High school senior Madeleine Kim has recently completed 28 college applications, writing over 100 essays and spending at least $1000 in application fees.

Kim, who hopes to major in either sociology or biomedical engineering, has sent in applications to Ivy Leagues, public schools, overseas institutions, and community colleges. She began working on her applications in November of her senior year after attending a Princeton Review seminar about the college selection process. "This is the most important decision I'll ever make," says Kim. "I had to start early because I can't afford to mess this up. My life literally depends on it."

The most challenging part of the application process for Kim was writing the numerous essays required for each college. Kim wrote extensively on topics ranging from an issue she is passionate about to her favorite word. "The weirdest topics definitely came from UChicago," she says. "I mean, Plato vs. play-doh? Really?"

"The hardest question, though, was, 'Why do you want to attend this school?' I pretty much wrote the same ansewr for everything. I know you're supposed to research what's unique about each college or whatever, but who has time for that? I know the name; isn't that enough?"

Kim's best friend, Samantha Lewis, says the application process has been "really difficult" for Kim. "She's so stressed out all the time. All she does is write essays. She made this massive spreadsheet to keep track of everything, and she lugs it around with her everywhere. I can't wait until January, when all this is over. But I guess then she'll be applying to scholarships..."

Lewis has sent in applications to six schools, narrowing down her original list of 20 by researching each online and visiting as many as she could. "I applied to two safety, two realistic, and two reach schools, and I can totally see myself going to any of them," she says. "Those applications were a pain. Six is more than enough. I don't know how Maddy does it."

Kim visited two of her 28 schools on a class trip in 8th grade. "I don't know if I would actually go to those, though," she confesses. "Actually, I think I would only actually go to five or six of the 28. But I might as well apply. Anyway, it'd be cool to get in."

Now that she has completed her college applications, Kim announces plans to begin applying for scholarships. "I have fifty or sixty I've been looking at," she says. "I'll start those over the break. Then I need to apply to jobs, and internships, and study abroad programs, and graduate school... There's just so much to do. I'd better get started."

New Republican Frontrunner Praised for No Experience, No Concrete Plans

Phoenix, Arizona - This week, a new Republican candidate has catapulted to the top of the polls, garnering a 57% approval rating from Republicans who still stubbornly refuse to admit the existence of Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney.

The candidate, Joe Plumber, first came to the public's attention in 2008 for "not really doing anything special" and "just kind of being around." Voters are enchanted with his outsider vibe, which resonates strongly with those currently dissatisfied with the establishment. Iowan Travis Johnston says he supports Plumber because "he's basically exactly like me. I mean, all he does is sit around and take up space. I like that in a president." Johnston, 37, is currently unemployed and living with his parents.

Plumber's recent admission that his political experience consists mostly of "watching C-Span when [he] can't fall asleep" was met with raucous applause by a crowd of the politically jaded. "Nowadays, 'political experience' means practice arguing in circles and taking bribes," complains New Hampshire resident Jane Lovegood. "If the alternative is someone who couldn't even win student council elections in fourth grade, well, so be it."

"Plus," she adds, "he's not Romney."

Plumber's campaign staff hopes that his non-Romneyism will allow him to maintain his current lead through the next few weeks. "He's gone nearly five days without a major gaffe - I think that's a record," says one staffer, who declined to be named. "If he can get through the next debate without a major screw-up, he might even win this thing. It's Christmas - people are distracted. I doubt anyone cares right now if he can't remember whether we've been fighting in Iraq or Iran."

In a recent interview, when asked how he would create jobs, Plumber launched into a ten-minute rant against Obama, Obamacare, and Obamulus (a newly coined term for the 2008 stimulus) that provided few, if any, supporting facts, hackneyed inflammatory rhetoric, and no discussion of Plumber's alternative plan. "The audience ate it up," says his anonymous staffer. "His approval rating jumped like five percentage points. As long as he can keep answering questions about Afghanistan with that story about making Christmas cards for soldiers with his daughters, he'll be golden."

Mitt Romney was not available for comment, but he has recently changed his campaign slogan to, "Mitt Romney: Am I Really That Bad?"

Study Finds Trolls Now Outnumber Humans at Local High School

Sugar Land, TX - A groundbreaking new study that asked high school students to identify their peers as "trolls" or "humans" has yielded surprising results.

Of the 700 students listed in the survey, 68% were classified as trolls, with an elite 16% achieving the coveted status of "so troll."

"It's an epidemic," says principal Jonathan Stewart. "It's disrupting the classroom. one minute, they're calmly paying attention and taking notes, and the next, they're drawing that awful wrinkly face all over their paper and using the word 'swag' excessively in conversation. We simply don't know what to do."

In an even more surprising twist, the study found that many of the school's teachers have also fallen prey to the troll epidemic. Ted Luchow, an honors physics teacher, was described as a "troll" by all but one of his 96 students (the nonresponsive student fell asleep completing the survey, a behavior described by his classmates as "trolling on you guys so hard"). "First the students, now the teachers... Where will it end?" wonders the distraught Stewart. "This is turning out to be even worse than the pants-on-the-ground craze of 2010."

When asked to comment, student Trevor McIntyre, identified as "so troll" by 100% of his peers, said of Stewart, "This guy..." and walked away.

Black Friday Sales Now Begin Wednesday

New York, New York - In a bold move by cash-strapped business owners, a few retail stores have announced plans to begin Black Friday sales on Wednesday next year.

Traditionally, Black Friday sales begin the morning after Thanksgiving, allowing harried family members to rest and relax all day Thursday before the madness of the Christmas season begins. However, retail owners say that this day of rest is "overrated." Small business owner Michelle Walowitz says, "Thanksgiving is basically just a bump in the road on the way to Christmas. Next year, we're hoping to steamroll over that bump and allow people the pleasure of experiencing Christmas shopping as early as they can."

Retailers hope that these extra two days of sales will help make up revenue lost during the recession.

"Once we got past people's initial reticence at shopping before 6 A.M. on Friday, we saw no reason to stop pushing back opening time," says Walmart general manager Lee Kirchow, who opened his doors at 10 P.M. on Thursday night this year. "Who knows - maybe next year, we'll open on Halloween. That would be the best Christmas present of all."

Crazy Radical Democrat Threatens the Sanctity of Our Country

            Sound the alarms my friends. Our country and our future as a race of beings is in grave peril. We must stop this madness at once or our greatest fear will come true, and we will be forever doomed. Communism will rise once again, and this time, even closer to home. What is this peril I speak of? Well my fellow citizens, it is a solitary man. Do not be fooled, he is not merely a man; he has the capability to turn our whole world into a nightmare.

            Why? Because his radical leftist views are quite frankly, the worst the world has ever seen, including those of Lenin and Mao. He has this crazy idea that rich people should share with the “less fortunate,” if we can even call them that. I mean come on, they don’t have to pay taxes, they get free food from soup kitchens, what else do they want from us? He also seems to be under the impression that some of these “less fortunates” got in that situation, not by their own fault, which we all know is true, but because of circumstances beyond their control. Pssh, such foolishness.

            And there’s more. Yes, unfortunately there seems to be no end to the blasphemy that spews from this man’s mouth. He also advocates for complete separation of church and state. Isn’t it enough that we had to put it in our constitution in order to placate those who believe that such nonsense is morally right? This country was founded by Christians and is run by Christians. Therefore, it is unnecessary to separate religion from our political actions. I mean what are a few diverse groups and peoples who may not have the same views as us?

            In essence, this man is the very reason the world is in such turmoil. His morals and values seek to threaten those of us who were smart enough and resourceful enough to become mega-millionaires or powerful politicians. He simply must be stopped before he corrupts our entire country, especially our children, whose education he wants to improve, even if it means reallocating funds from defense to education. Ridiculous, I know. 

College Application Quiz

1. Write about a person who influenced you.
     A. My sister is the most selfless person I know. After my Kenyan mother died of leukemia and my Indonesian father left us for a Cherokee woman in Mexico, my sister singlehandedly raised my twelve younger siblings and me while working full time and dealing with a disability. I hope that I can live up to her legendary courage, compassion, and desire to help others.
     B. Oh. Um. Well. One time, I had this teacher who was pretty cool, and he let us play heads-up-seven-up on Fridays, and he made me want to be a teacher, but then I changed my mind. Does that still count as influence?
     C. Do you honestly believe that I allow the opinions of mere mortals to change my perfect self?

2. How did you spend last summer?
     A. Last summer, I built a school for homeless children in Haiti while learning French, Spanish, and Latin and perfecting my varsity badminton skills. It taught me the importance of finding happiness through the little things in life.
     B. On the couch, watching Cake Boss reruns. Wait, that makes me sound lazy. Um... I babysat my friend's brother once...
     C. If I told you, I would have to kill you.

3. Why do you want to attend this college?
     A. For the past two years, I have been researching thermonuclear particles on campus with Nobel Laureate Professor Johnson. I look forward to continuing my research while also experiencing the wonders of college life.
     B. It doesn't matter. I'm not going to get in, anyway.
     C. Why do you want me to attend this college?

4. What are five words that describe you?
     A. Vivacious, conscientious, insightful, compassionate, courageous
     B. Responsible and organized, mostly, except I usually don't make up my bed, and my desk is a mess... What's a synonym for "generally well-meaning but occasionally does very clueless things?"
     C. Way more awesome than you

5. Describe your extracurricular activities.
     A. I'm president of student council, drum major of the band, entrepreneur of my own clothing company, founder of eight volunteering organizations, Gold Award recipient and Eagle Scout, representative of Model UN and Student Congress, English, Science, Spanish, German, Music, and regular Honors Society president, and varsity basketball captain. Also, I volunteer at the animal shelter on weekends.
     B. One time, I went to a Jets meeting, because I thought it was bio tutorials. Does that count? I knew I should have joined PALS...
     C. Clubs represent society's attempts to force us into a standard of conformity thinly disguised by the euphemism of "unity."

6. Write a letter to your roommate.
     A. I organize my socks by color! Maybe next year we can organize them together! I'll bring an extra divider so we can match!
     B. Can you bring a mini freezer? I had one, but I lost it. Sorry!
     C. Bow to me, minion.

7. List your favorite books and/or authors.
     A. Jane Austen, William Shakespeare, Theodor Dostoyevsky, War and Peace, The Oxford English Dictionary, The Simarillion
     B. That guy who wrote about those people in that place doing that thing... That was awesome.
     C. U.R. Face's epic novel,  I Know You Are, But What Am I?

8. What is your favorite word?
     A. Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis!
     B. Strudel. Haha! Stroooo-del. Wait, is this a trick question? Am I supposed to sound smart? Where's my dictionary?
     C. No.

9. What unique perspective could you bring to this campus?
     A. My experiences building refugee shelters in war-torn Cambodia while mediating peace between Israel and Palestine and feeding every single person affected by the famine in Somalia have opened my eyes to diversity and blessed me with a global rather than U.S.-centric mentality.
     B. Uhhhh... I wear glasses? Diversity for the win?
     C. Answering this question would place me among the mindless horde of direction-following sheep, therby negating any unique traits I might possess. To stave off conformity, I must preserve a hostile silence.

10. Is there anything else you would like us to know about you?
     A. Last summer, I donated my heart, both kidneys, and half a spleen to an eight-year-old with chronic leukemia. However, these minor sacrifices have in no way prevented me from winning the Chicago marathon and making the U.S. Olympic gymnastics team.
     B. I'm sorry! I mean... Please accept me!
     C. Despite my crusty exterior, I am in my heart of hearts a kind and loving person who completely approves of every aspect of the college admissions process. Not.

RESULTS:
Mostly A's: Shut up. Everybody hates you. You're going to get into Harvard for free, jerk. See you at the Nobel Prize ceremonies in three years.
Mostly B's: Congratulations, you're normal! Now stop freaking out. College hasn't rejected you yet.
Mostly C's: Everybody is terrified of you, mostly because you're so amazing. I would admit you to my college, oh fearless one. Please don't kill me.

Area Teen Takes 26 APs

Sugar Land, Texas - Clements studen Kevin Lin has signed up for a record-breaking twenty-six advanced placement exams.
AP tests take place in May and can be used for college credit at some universities.
Lin says he started studying last November after scouring Half-Price Books for Princeton Review guides to all the subjects he tested in, ranging from English Language to European History to Biology. "I could only fit nine AP classes into my schedule because our school system is limited to seven-hour school days," complained Lin, who has been petitioning for ten-hour days and a shortened summer. "I mean, if I want to take English III and IV at the same time, I should be able to. It's a constitutional right."
"Wait, no, it isn't," he adds after a minute. "Dang it, I have to know this in an hour. What's the fifth amendment again?"
Lin, a junior, is planning to attend the University of Texas at Austin after his senior year to triple major in chemical engineering, biochemistry, and mathematics while enrolling in three honors programs and preparing for pre-law and pre-med. If UT accepts all of his AP hours, he will be able to enter as a second-semester junior. "I'm pretty sure they don't take human geo, though," he remarks irritantly. "Probably not Hebrew, either. Nobody takes Hebrew."
When asked why he had signed up for the Hebrew AP if it would not yield him a credit, Lin replies, "But it still looks good, right? I mean, if I'm going to get accepted in this competitive market, I need a really strong transcript. Without Hebrew, I might as well not even bother applying to college at all."
Lin is in the top 2% of his class, which guarantees him automatic admission into any public Texas university.
"My advice to other students would be to take as many classes and APs as possible," says Lin. "College is way more important than sleep. I haven't slept in two months, and I'm still alive."
"Now if you'll excuse me, I have an AP to take."