Attention Mall Shoppers - New Escalators

Since none of us in our busy, hectic lives have the energy to climb those horrid creations called stairs, the local mall has come up with an ingenious solution. New Escalators from the sidewalk to mall doors to arrive soon.

Mall developers claim that this measure will save mall-goers an average of 100 calories each trip. Calories that they can then use for more important activities such as watching TV, yelling at other drivers in the mall parking lot, and eating cookies.

One mall frequenter was asked her opinion of the new additions and responded, "Well, y'all really know how to make our lives easier. I mean, those three or five steps are really unnecessary if you ask me."

Developers say that there will still be the traditional stairs next to the escalators for those "tree-hugging, granola-head hippies who like to exercise and try to make the rest of us feel bad."

Here is a picture of what these new life-savers will look like: