Houston, Texas - NASA's recent discovery of an earth-like planet has met with criticism from the planet's inhabitants, who have reportedly sent out messages begging earth to "Leave [them] the heck alone" and "just go away, already."
These aliens, called Keplerians after the planet they were found on, Kepler 22b, cite our destruction of our own environment as the reason for their reticence to meet us. "You ruined your ozone layer, chopped down millions of trees, polluted the oceans, and murdered hundreds of species - is it any wonder we don't want you here?" says the Keplerian leader, known only as Hal. "How many times do we have to say it? Go. Away."
Hal has recently organized protests against NASA's rovers, picketing satellites with messages such as "Keep Kepler, Keplerian" and "Kepler is Full. Go Home." He has announced plans to build a fence around the planet to keep out Earth immigrants and proclaims that absolutely, under no circumstances, will any Earthling be allowed to participate in the free Keplerian educational system.
NASA scientists refer to these developments as "interesting" and have announced plans for further research. "Their reactions are scientifically fascinating, if a bit cryptic," says Nathan Fromman, a leading expert in interplanetary relations. "We aren't entirely sure yet what they're trying to tell us, but we hope that we can collect enough data during our thirty year Keplerian research program to point us in the right direction."
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