Congress, In the Absence of Its Mother, Continues to Reclassify Foods as Vegetables

Washington, D.C. - In a follow-up to its recent classification of pizza sauce as a vegetable, Congress has declared potato chips and onion rings to be vegetables; fruit roll-ups, Skittles, Starburst, Fanta, strawberry ice cream, and anything with sprinkles to be fruits; and Reese's pieces, Cracker Jacks, and Twinkies to be proteins. It has also reclassified broccoli, beets, brussel sprouts, pomegranates, bananas, and tomatoes as junk food.

"We're hoping this will inspire children to eat healthier," said a congressman from Louisiana, who declined to be named. "We want to live in a world where all kids eat is fruits and veggies, and we think this is an important step towards making that dream a reality."

When asked how, exactly, a Twinkie qualifies as a protein, the congressman explains, "We figured that it must take a lot of strength to survive for as long as a Twinkie. Strength comes from muscles, and muscles are built up by protein, so obviously, Twinkies must have a high protein content."

Children everywhere rejoiced at the news, but their parents, strangely, seem reluctant to modify their meal plans. "I'm not sure what I think about the new food pyramid," says mother of three Jane Wilkinson, gesturing to a picture of the new pyramid, which advises kids to eat eight servings a day of fruits and vegetables such as pizza and Ding Dongs and as few as possible of junk food such as cauliflower and spinach. "I mean, my kids love it, but... I'm not entirely sold."

Nutritionist John Witherspoon is more blunt about his feelings. "It's horrific," he says. "Sure, it's a great idea - if you want to live in a world where our kids weigh over 300 lbs. I'm quitting tomorrow. I can't deal with a world where Twinkies are passed off as legitimate food. Have you ever seen a Twinkie? They're not natural."

Some speculate that the continued absence of Congress' mother is to blame for these changes. This mysterious absence was first noticed during the health care debates and has since caused alarm during the debt ceiling crisis and the budget negotiations. Congress, rejoicing in its new freedom, has also passed laws pushing bedtime back from 8 to 9 p.m., replacing C-Span with Sesame Street, and mandating that free popsicles be served at all neighborhood parks.