Phoenix, Arizona - This week, a new Republican candidate has catapulted to the top of the polls, garnering a 57% approval rating from Republicans who still stubbornly refuse to admit the existence of Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney.
The candidate, Joe Plumber, first came to the public's attention in 2008 for "not really doing anything special" and "just kind of being around." Voters are enchanted with his outsider vibe, which resonates strongly with those currently dissatisfied with the establishment. Iowan Travis Johnston says he supports Plumber because "he's basically exactly like me. I mean, all he does is sit around and take up space. I like that in a president." Johnston, 37, is currently unemployed and living with his parents.
Plumber's recent admission that his political experience consists mostly of "watching C-Span when [he] can't fall asleep" was met with raucous applause by a crowd of the politically jaded. "Nowadays, 'political experience' means practice arguing in circles and taking bribes," complains New Hampshire resident Jane Lovegood. "If the alternative is someone who couldn't even win student council elections in fourth grade, well, so be it."
"Plus," she adds, "he's not Romney."
Plumber's campaign staff hopes that his non-Romneyism will allow him to maintain his current lead through the next few weeks. "He's gone nearly five days without a major gaffe - I think that's a record," says one staffer, who declined to be named. "If he can get through the next debate without a major screw-up, he might even win this thing. It's Christmas - people are distracted. I doubt anyone cares right now if he can't remember whether we've been fighting in Iraq or Iran."
In a recent interview, when asked how he would create jobs, Plumber launched into a ten-minute rant against Obama, Obamacare, and Obamulus (a newly coined term for the 2008 stimulus) that provided few, if any, supporting facts, hackneyed inflammatory rhetoric, and no discussion of Plumber's alternative plan. "The audience ate it up," says his anonymous staffer. "His approval rating jumped like five percentage points. As long as he can keep answering questions about Afghanistan with that story about making Christmas cards for soldiers with his daughters, he'll be golden."
Mitt Romney was not available for comment, but he has recently changed his campaign slogan to, "Mitt Romney: Am I Really That Bad?"
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